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Sunday, January 29, 2017

5 Common Misunderstandings that Will Ruin Any Relationship

Hi Everyone,

Recently I was asked to guest blog and the topic I was asked to write about is: "5 Common Misunderstandings That Will Ruin Any Relationship."

I wanted to make sure you had the chance to read it as well.  I have included it below along with a few links to helpful resources.

Please feel free to pass it along to your friends.



Relationships are the source of some of our most blissful, fulfilling, and pleasurable experiences when they are working; but when they are not, they can be the root of some of our deepest pain.

When our relationships are going well, we walk with a lightness in our steps, sunshine follows us everywhere, and the birds are always singing. When our relationships are not going well, we drag ourselves through the day with a dark cloud following us everywhere and the birds are nowhere to be found.

To minimize the pain and maximize the pleasure of your relationship, here are 5 common misunderstandings that will ruin any relationship:


* It is your partner's job to fix you.

As you go through life you learn how to fear, doubt, and form limiting beliefs about yourself and the world at large. This "stuff" of yours likely has negative consequences on your mental, emotional, and physical states - perhaps making you feel broken in some ways. It is not your partner’s job to fix you. The tools of love, while powerful, are not necessarily the tools that can ease fear, dispel doubt, and repair limiting beliefs. If you have “stuff” affecting your quality of life and your relationship, seek the help of a counselor, a coach, or a therapist. If you rely on your partner then you are adding a burden that the relationship was not meant to bare.

(Check out my program "Your Life Toolbox" to get an assortment of tools designed to help you live a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life.)


* Your relationship has space for your "baggage”.

Airlines limit your carry-on items to two and the more checked baggage you have, the higher the fee they charge you. There is a reason baggage is limited: There’s only enough room for two and in your relationship, that is You and Your partner. When you embark on new adventures go forth with only what you need and leave the rest behind. If you bring into your new relationship all of your past relationships and the mental and emotional turmoil they entail, you undoubtedly set yourself up for a challenging road ahead. Want your relationship to succeed? Then adhere to the wise words of "leave your baggage at the door."

(I have an awesome course on Self Love that can really help you with this.  Check it out by clicking here.)


* Assuming you are loved unconditionally.

I get it - I too was raised on the Disney inspired notion of happily ever after and the unconditional love that comes with it. But, after the handsome prince rescues the damsel in distress, they kiss, and ride off into the sunset have you ever stopped to wonder- what then? That's when the real relationship happens and the work to make it a lasting and fulfilling one begins. The biggest mistake I see couples make is assuming that their partner loves them unconditionally and that no matter what they say or do their partner will continue to love them. Unconditional, meaning without conditions, and yet you, me and everyone else has conditions that need to be met for our relationship to last and our love to flourish. If you really are in your relationship for the long haul, drop the fantasy and dig in to getting to know and understand your partner and what their conditions are. Once you understand those, you can make it your relationship mission to ensure those conditions are always met.


* Believing that how you show/express love is how your partner wants to be shown love.

In Gary Chapman's must-read relationship book "The Five Love Languages", Chapman discusses in depth the five distinct ways we show, demonstrate, or communicate love to our partners. The challenge couples face: how you show love and want to be shown love, may be completely different than how your partner show's love and wants to be shown love - in essence, you are speaking different love languages. Imagine going to China and trying to speak Greek... you may not get as far as you would like. Do yourself a favor and read the book "The Five Love Languages." Better yet, make it a mandatory reading for the relationship, and have a discussion about it before you go to bed each night.


* Relying on sex to solve the problems.

A friend of mine would often joke that whenever his relationships were in a rough spot he would just spend a little more time in the "Boom Boom Room" and everything would be OK. To date, he still hasn't found the long term relationship he wants. Sex has an important role in the relationship, but when that role starts to involve sweeping the problems of the relationship under the rug with the rest of the dirt, it is only a matter of time before the relationship and sex life turns sour. The rug can only hide so much so if you want a relationship that lasts, you have to make it a habit to clean under the rug - often. The cool thing is that the more you clean, the less there is to clean. I suggest setting a time, once a week, for a regular relationship check-up. During this time, you and your partner can talk about what is going great in the relationship and what you can improve upon. Making regular communication like this a priority will not only keep the space under the rug clean, it will also ensure that the sizzle stays in your sex life.

I hope you found value in this.  Please leave a comment below and let me know what you think.

Carpe Diem,

Jesse

http://www.jessebrisendine.com
http://www.facebook.com/1year1000challenge

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Sunday, January 22, 2017

Action Creates Change

January 20 and 21st 2017 marked two significant days in the history of the United States and greater world at large.

On January 20th a new President was sworn into office (this is not a political blog).

On January 21st millions of people from all over the world came together to march, peacefully, "to stand together for human rights and to protect, defend and advance human rights, even in the face of adversity."

The human spirit is powerful and when we find something to channel our passions into there is virtually nothing that can't be accomplished.

BUT

Passion alone will not produce results, action does.

Here's what I mean.




Think about our experiences with New Years Resolutions.  Every year people begin the year pledging to do "X,Y,Z' this year.  But after life happens the excuses start to surface and once they do we suddenly put our "X,Y,Z" on the back burner justifying that "life got in the way." (Side note - head over to my "Your Life Toolbox" program to get help accomplish your New Year's Goals)

For change to happen, to evolve, and to continually change consistent action must always be taken.

Think about what Dr. King was able to accomplish in the Civil Rights movement or Mahatma Gandhi in the India Independence movement.  Neither made just one speech, both created change because of persistent and consistent action being taken. Furthermore, and most importantly, they inspired others to adopt the same mentality: take action, take action, take action.

The "Women March on Washington" is amazing.  Nothing like it has ever happened in history.  Millions of people worldwide participated. 

When trying to create a movement, people must keep moving.  Many marchers may be tempted to make the mistake of hanging up their marching shoes now that the big day is done and over.  For some they will be satisfied with "just being there," being a part of history, and having the pictures to prove it.

Real change continues now - the day after when each person has the opportunity to take another step towards what they want. This is where momentum is created.

Whether you participated in the march, or there is something else you are passionate about, if you want to create lasting change, you got to be willing to stay the course - treat it as a marathon and not a sprint.

Sprints are quick - done and over in the blink of an eye with the finish line always in sight. 

A marathon goes on for much longer and the majority of it is run with the finish line no where near in sight for most of the race.

Imagine if today, tomorrow, and every day forward, every person who is passionate about something took action to help bring about the change's they wanted to see.

What actions could these be?

Here are just a few ideas

Volunteer at local organization that shares a similar passion.

Organize meet ups in your community where like minded people can come together and share ideas.

Boycott industries/businesses who do not share the same beliefs as you.

Set up accountability buddies - people who will help hold you accountable in your pursuit of your goals.

Organize educational events for the public.

Utilize your social media feeds to start healthy, positive, and loving conversations. (Hint - arguing over who is right and who is wrong, name calling, and putting others down on social media does little to advance your cause).

Join a Toastmaster group or take a Writing course to improve your communication skills so you can become more effective at delivering your message.

Become an "open minded listener." Learn how to listen.  If you want to understand the psychology of your opposition you need to learn to really listen to them.  The biggest mistake one can make is to tune out the opposition.  Their words (which can only be heard by listening) often contain your keys to winning.

The above short list is just a small tip of the iceberg of what you can do, continue to do, and build on to bring about positive changes for the things you are passionate about.

The potential for change is always there.  Now more than any time in history you have a voice. In hte words of Gandhi, "You must be the change you want to see in the world." 

Nothing will change with inaction.  Everything can change when you take action to create change.

Momentum is created not with the first step, but with the second, third, and fourth.

Take those next steps today - the world needs your passion.

Carpe Diem,

Jesse

http://www.jessebrisendine.com
http://www.facebook.com/1year1000challenge

Sunday, January 15, 2017

What if You Didn't Give Up on Yourself?

My greatest joy in life is helping people get from where they are to where they want to be.  With all my heart I believe that every human being is born with greatness inside of them - some might call it a light, a light that is met to shine brightly.

Sadly, so many of those lights fade before they even shine.  So many die with their greatness locked away inside - never shared with the world.

Why?

I remember reading a study one time that said the majority of the inventions in the world were invented by a small % of the inventors.  And of these inventions that were invented nearly 90% had been attempted before by at least one or more person's.

What the study implied was that so many people had amazing, life changing ideas, but gave up on them.  At which time the small % of inventors who were courageous enough to persist on picked up where they had left off and brought the initial idea into fruition.

Why did those original inventors, the ones with the initial world changing idea, give up?

Like most of us the reasons are many, but the underlying roots boil down to a few key beliefs:

- I am not ______ enough (good enough, smart enough, talented enough, educated enough, rich enough, connected enough etc....) to achieve my goal.

- What if I fail (people may not like me, I won't be loved, I'll be ostracized, I'll be an outcast, I'll prove the doubters wrong, I'll let my friends/family down etc...)?

To give those beliefs fire, they are usually fueled by some broad declarations and generalizations:

- this is impossible, it was stupid to try, what was I thinking, everyone was right this can't be done, etc...

Any of this sound familiar?

What would your life look like if you refused to give up on yourself? 

What might the world at large look like?  I would love to hear your thoughts.

If you are someone that has a dream, a goal, a commitment to unlocking your greatness and allowing your light to shine brightly, here are a couple videos I recorded that can help you persevere in the face of doubt and the voice that whispers "give up."


Three strategies to start believing in yourself right away:



Three ways to conquer your fears

I hope this blog has been of value to you. 

Carpe Diem,

Jesse

http://www.jessebrisendine.com
http://www.facebook.com/1year1000challenge

P.S.

Be sure to check out my new program Your Life Toolbox - providing empowering tools to you to help you build your incredible life. Click here to learn more.