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Friday, December 16, 2011

At a Crossroads 12/7 - 12/15 Days 340 -349

Is it really possible that there are only 17 days left in the year!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know if I could ever type enough ? or ! to fully convey how I feel about the year rapidly winding down! 

A few quick updates:

Thank you for all the love and support so many of you have shown with Ouch My Heart Is Broken I can never articulate enough just how much it means to me. 

A couple of you have made a fantastic suggestion: to do an event, similar to the sunrise/sunset one, but with Christmas.  How fun will it be to see what the Holidays look like all over the world?!  Here is the link to the event: Holiday's around the World

So here I sit, (actually I am in more of a laid back - reclined position), feeling a bit out of sorts.  I am not quite sure what will flow from these fingers of mine on the lines to follow, but lets give it a go and see what happens.

For the overwhelming majority of the year I have felt confident, determined, and 110% certain that I have been on the right path.  Then all of sudden December is here and the reality of the year really coming to a close hits me and I suddenly start to feel, in no particular order: anxious, scared, tired, confused, and out of place.

I have slept more soundly this year than I have ever slept in my life.  I think I have shared with you all about how I used to be that person who went to sleep and tossed and turned the night away  Every pre-bedtime thought was a stressful one, one that would string along one restless night to another. 

This year has been different.  I can fall asleep instantly, I sleep soundly through the night and I wake up more rested than I have ever felt in my life.  December has been different though.  I have had a few restless nights.  On more than one occasion I have closed my eyes with worry and stress on my mind, only to open them in the morning feeling the opposite of how I have felt for most of the year.

The cool thing about this is that I have conclusively proven it to myself just how much stress impacts my quality of sleep, my energy level, my mood, my everything.  I have built such a strong mind this year, but suddenly I find myself thinking thoughts of doubt and unsureness I have not thought those thoughts for quite sometime.

My alarm goes off at 415 every morning and typically I am up, full of energy, and ready to take on the day within seconds of it sounding.  I get up at 415 because that time before I see my first client at 6am, is typically my most productive time of the day. 

Lately my alarm goes off and I have been dragging... struggling to motivate myself to do those one or two little extra things that have come with such ease this entire year.  It feels like that saying, "One step forward, then two steps backward..." This year feels like it has been one leap after another forward, but then all of a sudden it feels like a Gigantic stumble backwards... why?

I think for the first time since early on this year I have felt some uncertainty about myself creep into my thoughts.  It is like when you were in school and you had a huge paper(essay) to write and you were down to the final paragraph, but it was the hardest paragraph because you knew you were so close to getting it done that your momentum started to fade.  Hmm... perhaps a better way to describe it is: I have been working towards this goal for an entire year, actually even longer if you count the time of conception and the development and preparation that went into it. 

Everyday, for 348 days, (as of this writing), I have lived and breathed the 1000 Challenge.  I have changed, I have sacrificed, I have evolved, I have let go, I have everything for the 1000 Challenge.  And NOW, it is almost over.  This big, gigantic goal, that started as an idea on paper has manifested into the 1000 Challenge you all know today.  I am so close to the end of the year, but am approaching the finish line like a marathoner going into the home stretch of the race when suddenly he hits "the wall" and his body starts to shut down.

I did not anticipate this.  I thought I would be sprinting through the finish.  What the hell is going on Jesse?

Purpose!  Purpose, more specifically our having a purpose is perhaps the most crucial thing to our existence.  Purpose gives us a reason to wake up in the morning.  Purpose gives us a reason to smile more, to love a little extra, and to try a little harder.  Without a purpose, then what is the point?

That's where this feeling of being at a crossroads comes... figuring out my purpose.

This year it was easy, my purpose was clear and it was out there for the entire world to see.  I was the "Challenge Guy."  My entire year had a greater meaning from the start of the year than any other period of my life.  I had set my intentions and committed myself to accomplishing the greatest of goals: To LIVE Life.  Not just go through the motions, not just give 70% effort, not just survive from one day to the next; no, I wanted to LIVE.  I wanted to wake up excited for every day, I wanted to give 110% all the time, I wanted to thrive!  And I did.

Now what?  Where do I go from here?  What the hell is next?  How do I keep the momentum I have built from this year going into the next?  How do I keep all the members of the1000 Challenge Community engaged and committed to living their lives the best they can?  Do I do another 1000 Challenge?  Do I do different challenge?  I like the idea of more challenges, but what would it be?  How come I did not think of all this sooner?  Why didn't I plan for this?  WTF (if you need WTF defined, privately message me) JESSE!!!??? :)  Hmmmmm?  And the list of what has been going through my head could go on forever...

So who am I now without the 1000 Challenge?  Even more important, what is MY purpose? 

Anything can happen at any moment in life, and as I finish typing this at almost 6am PST on December 16th, 2011; there are still approximately 22,680 moments left in the year.  And while I still remain confident that what is next for me will become more clear over the course of those remaining 22,680 moments; there are definitely occasional moments of doubt that creep in and I allow it to affect me - greatly. 

It is really funny going through this experience the last couple weeks.  I feel I have learned so much about myself, about people, about the way the world works, about life in general, but the one thing I forgot to teach myself was how to not be so damn hard on myself.

It is ironic because we are all our greatest allies and at the same time our worst enemies.  The alley part of me has held center stage almost this entire year, keeping the "worst enemy" hidden in the shadows.  That worst enemy part of me is quick and crafty... as soon as he smells doubt, fear, hesitation, uncertainty, he attacks and reeks havoc on my mental and emotional state until I refocus and put him back where he belongs... hidden in the shadows.

As much negative time I have spent in my head these last couple weeks and as challenging as that that has been, I am grateful for it.  It has given me an opportunity to examine a part of myself I have not had to look at this entire year.  A part that needs to be understood, needs to be nurtured and ultimately needs to be healed for me to fully move forward in life the way I want to. 

When I travel, I like to travel light: a small back back and  my laptop are about all I like to bring.  I do not like to be weighed down by a lot of baggage.  The same applies for my life.  I have carried a lot of baggage around before and IT SUCKS!!  I do not want to live my life carrying around the baggage of the past; NO!  I want to travel through life lightly - it gives me far more freedom to explore, live, and most importantly, be happy.

Purpose everyone... I can not stress enough how important it is to define your purpose.  We have a little less than 22,680 moments left in this year.  Spend a few of those on defining your purpose.  What is your purpose for the day ahead of you?  What is it for the next week, and the year to come?  Perhaps one the greatest gifts I can give you in this season of giving is this: A life lived without purpose, is a life unlived... define your purpose, live the life you want. (that is an original quote by the way... i just made it up! :) hahaha )

I look forward to chatting with you all again soon.  It is time for me to pull my head out of my ass, shut down my pity party, stop stressing and start focusing on what is important - defining my purpose for next year and beyond. 

Enjoy the pics,

Carpe Diem,


1 comment:

  1. I have no doubt your purpose will shine through, it is your nature to seek out that which will support you, mind, body, spirit...Peace to you and Happy Holidays!