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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Letting Go... 12/2 - 12/6 Days 336 - 340

Counting today there are only Four, that's right, FOUR Monday's left in the year... My goodness it is going fast!

First and foremost THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who has taken the time to check out Ouch My Heart Is Broken .  Many of you have also downloaded the book.  I can not even begin to describe what this means to me... Thank You.

Sunrise/Sunset pictures continue to impress me beyond words.  Thank you everyone who is not only sending them in, but properly labeling them, and checking the list to make sure it is not a repeat photo.  You can check the list here:  Sunrise/sunset  This has been an awesome Geography lesson for me learning about places I had never even heard of before.

I will host a ustream chat this weekend to better accommodate those of you who are not in the US.  It will most likely be Sunday morning here in the States when I do it.  I will figure it out and post all the info on the 1000 Challenge Page in the next day or two :)  Because I will be doing it on a weekend, I expect lots of you who live outside of the states to attend :)

I checked and the 1000 Challenge Community has grown to almost 6000 Members.  One of the challenges at the start of the year was to grow the Page to 50,000.  I stressed about that constantly for the first half of the year, then I stopped.  I started realizing what solid community the members on the 1000 Challenge page were turning into.  The strength of that community, the dedication to self improvement, the support you have given to others, that means way more to me than 50,000,000 members.  If the Universe aligns and deems it so, along with all  of us continuing to spread the word, I am still confident we can hit 50,000.  However, if that does not happen, I wanted you all to know how grateful I am to each and everyone of you for being a member of the 1000 Challenge Community.

I have gotten about 10 emails in the last week asking about me getting on Ellen, as well as doing other interviews.  I will share with everyone what I shared with them... the 1000 Challenge is a way of life, a way of living, a way of looking at things differently.  And if someone thinks that is news/magazine/television worthy, then I am more than happy to share it with them.  Beyond that all, I am just flattered so many of YOU think that about the 1000 Challenge.  Thank You.

So I have been in a really weird mood the last week to 10 days.  The mood got even weirder ( I use the words weird, and weirder because the mood encompassed a very random mix of emotions) on Wednesday when my book and Ouch My Heart Is Broken re-launched and became a publicly accessible site.  I dismissed it as being nervous about putting the book and the website "out there."  Saturday, I awoke and could not motivate myself to work in the morning.  Instead I wasted about two hours of time watching Youtube videos until the gym opened and I could go work out.  I thought a lot during that workout what it was that was putting me in this state... then it hit me.

I returned home form the gym and new what I needed to do, something I had been avoiding doing for one and a half years.

In a corner in my room I had a pile of my Dad's stuff that I just could not bring myself to go through.  Clothes of his my Mom had sent me to try on to see if I could fit into, papers, a scrap book I had put together for myself - it all sat in this corner collecting dust.

Everyday I would see it, and whether I thought about it consciously or not did not matter, every time I glanced over and saw the pile, my sub-conscious mind new exactly what it was.

When the book for Ouch My Heart Is Broken came out I was more sad than glad and I could not figure out why.  As the week went on and I payed more and more attention to my feelings I knew it was time to let go.

So much of the book is about letting go and healing, and, to be perfectly honest, I had not yet done that with my Dad.  I kept that stuff in plain site so I could try to hold onto him a little longer, why?

My Dad and I were not super close growing up.  He often made choices that left him unavailable to me.  I also allowed his and my Mom's relationship to influence my perception of him and who he was.  It was not until I was around 16 years old and my Dad got "Direct TV" that we started to bond.  Every Monday night, my Dad, my Brother, and I would get together to watch professional wrestling.  It was really special because I knew my Dad had to make a deliberate effort to make it home from work early to spend the time with my  Brother and I.  We did this until I left for college.  To this day, professional wrestling still holds a special place in my heart solely for this reason.

There were a lot of things I did not realize about my Dad until after he died.  It is funny how death provides the ultimate hindsight, one I, and I am sure many of you who have lost someone close to you, would have loved to have had when they were still alive.

When I left for college, my Dad and I would talk typically about once a month on average.  He would occasionally send me a little extra money too when he had it.  I more often than not resented the times he would contact me.  I had created a perception of my Dad based largely in part off of what he DIDN'T do, never stopping to give a second look at what he DID  DO.  As a child growing up, you do not realize how much external influence's shape everything.  We see the color "black" and acknowledge it to be black because we have been taught it is black.  But, if we were taught that black is really red, then we would know it only as red.  This same concept applies to people and our perceptions of them.

By the time I was almost 26 years old, I had softened to my Dad.  I had begun to embark on my own path of personal growth and started to see my Dad was doing the same, despite a constant battle with colon cancer.  Even with nauseousness for over two years from chemo therapy, my Dad still did his best to keep a positive attitude.  I will never forget him telling me about a time he was at the Doctor's office and they were discussing whether or not he should undergo Chemo after an already successful surgery to remove the cancerous tumor.  The doctor told my Dad that he had about a 60% chance that the cancer would never come back.  If he did the Chemo it would bump that percentage up to a much higher number.  He then told my Dad that in the next room, there was a guy who took the 60% chance, didn't do the chemo, the cancer came back, and was now going to die.  From this, my Dad told me, "It just goes to show you that you never have to look far to see someone who has it worse than you."

I have thought about those words of wisdom often over the years especially during the times where I feel like life is just so damn hard.  I do my best to remind myself that each and every day there are people experiencing and enduring way, way worse than me.

My Dad died on February 1st, 2010.  It takes about 8 -10 hours to drive there from here in Santa  Barbara.  I drove that entire way in dead silence save for the occasional phone calls I would get.  It gave me a lot of time to think, to reflect, to try and decipher what my Dad meant to me and better understand our relationship.

The next day, February 2nd, I went up to his office to attempt to clean it out.  I was shaky and very emotional.  What I found at his office hit me harder than any punch.  And it brought tears to  my eyes in a way I have never experienced before.

My Dad has a daughter from a previous marriage - my half sister, someone who I only met once just before I turned two.  He rarely talked about her and I never asked, but sitting on his desk he had a picture of her, and her family.  Pictures of my brother and I were there too, but the one of my half sister was the one that was on display.

As I started going through his computer I came across a file, it was a birthday card that he had made for me, using the computer, for my 25th birthday.  I broke down crying.

At home I have a bag where I have saved virtually every card I have ever received since moving away for college in September of 2000.  Birthday cards, thank you's, congratulation cards, you name it, I have kept it.  There are only a few I have not saved, the card I found on my Dad's computer was one of them.

At the time when I got it, I was angry... "I spent 18 years at home and he never made an effort like this, why now?"  I resented the card and threw it away.  Fast forward to February 2nd, 2010 - suddenly I got it, I got my Dad and I learned one of the toughest lessons of my life.

There's a great book called "The 5 Love Languages," I highly recommend it as it is a great book to help improve communication, understanding, and overall quality of relationships. This book talks about how each of us have a unique way we want to be loved and to show love.  For example, person "x" may love giving gifts to person "y" as their way of showing love.  But person "y" does not like receiving gifts, it makes him uncomfortable, he prefers to be told he is loved, not shown by gifts.  The book goes on to talk about that one of the biggest struggles in relationships is that not all of us necessarily recognize another person's love language, and can't understand why it is not the same as ours.

My Dad was not good with cards, with day to day communication.  He communicated with his daughter less and less because he felt ashamed, and he Feared what she thought of him.  Did she think he deserted her, deserted her mom... who knows, but he definitely thought about her, and he loved her a lot as was evidenced by the picture on the desk.  He just did not know how to get pass the fear to tell her and show her.

As with me, I realized, looking at that card, that my Dad was not good at going and getting birthday cards.  It's how he was raised, how he was taught.  For some of us it is so easy to get cards, flowers, cake, ice cream etc... to celebrate anything, for others it is a challenge - something that takes us way out of our comfort zone.  So for my Dad to not only get a card for my birthday, but to take the extra time to MAKE IT... how far out of his comfort zone was that?

Some of us are huggers, we love to greet people and say goodbye with a hug.  Others are not.  I am sure you all have people in your life who love to hug, and ones who don't.  But when you do get a hug from that person who normally doesn't offer it, it means so much more because it is a BIG DEAL.   My Dad, taking the time to make me a card was a BIG DEAL.

I realized in that moment that I had never really given my Dad a chance.  I constantly judged him, judged him so much that I could not even acknowledge simple little things like cards.

I can sit here and blame my parents and their relationship all I want for the reasons why I felt that way, but the reality is, at the end of the day, I am not only an adult, but I am a very capable, very self-aware adult who if at any time would have just stepped off his high horse and attempted to let go, or at the very least step away for a minute from the harsh feelings I felt, I may have seen my Dad in a different light.

I cried a lot that day and I have cried a lot in subsequent days since.  My Dad will never see me get married, have kids, shit, I never even had a beer with my Dad because I held on so tightly to issues from my childhood.  This is what I mean, death provides us with the ultimate hindsight.

Fast forward now to Saturday December 3rd, 2011 with a year that was dedicated to healing, to growing, to reclaiming my life, and learning to live it in the way I have always wanted to, rapidly coming to an end; it was time to let go of something big that was still holding me back.  It was time to let go of my Dad and his death.

I have very few regrets in my life, but I do regret my relationship I had with my Dad.  I do not however, regret the lesson I have learned from it.  As hard as it was and continues to be to learn, it is without a doubt the greatest gift my Dad has ever given me.  For this lesson is one that I can now pass on to each of you who is reading this and hopefully many many more over the course of the rest of my life.

So Saturday night, December 3rd, 2011, I brushed off the dust, I tried on all the clothes, I sorted the papers, I looked through the pictures, I put everything away in its' proper place, and I let go of my Dad and his death.

I spent about two hours doing this and cried the majority of it, but it was some of the most cathartic, most healing tears I have ever shed.  After I finished, I cleaned myself up, put on a pair of brand new pants, (that are one size to small for me) my Dad had bought, but never got a chance to wear and went bowling. :)

I now  look at that space on my floor in the corner of my room and it seems so big and empty.  Just as the space I have cleared inside of me is now, big and empty.  The great thing about life is, we can choose to fill those spaces with whatever we want.  My choice is to fill that space with as much good stuff as possible.

Remember letting go does not mean you are forgetting.  When we let go, we clear a space, a space that can be filled with new.  Just as I can now put new stuff in the corner on my floor, I more importantly can put new stuff into my mind and heart.

Enjoy the pics,

Carpe Diem,

Jesse








4 comments:

  1. Excellent pictures and sharing Jesse..I know that true catharsis.....My dad passed away Easter of that same year. He had a special place for my two brothers, sports, cars, all that....But they were much older than me. I was the 5th of 6. But after they moved out, I started mowing the lawn, watching the games and golf with him, working on my 1970 Great Pumpkin Orange Maverick that he helped me pick out. There was a period of estrangement in my late teens, my own rebellion, but I will always always have those memories with me even if I can't have him. I know that he loved me in his own way.....What a journey....

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  2. Wow, you´re so right. Had a similar situation, my Dad left me when I was 17 years old in order to start a new life with his new girlfriend and her daughter. My Mom died when I was 14, so I was really feeling completely alone, though I had a Grandma supporting me as much as she could. Since then we´ve got a "not stable relationship" with my Dad, because his wife does her best to keep me away. Nevertheless, I know that my Dad loves me, even if he´s not able to show me. And this is, what everybody has to realize: you´re being loved by your parents, even if you feel abandoned & misunderstood. They´ve got their reason to react as they do.

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  3. It's good you have moved on from your Dad's death. It's true you do not forget the love one they stay with you forever. I guess that's what it means when a person never really dies but lives on forever in your heart and mind.
    Missed your tweet about the release of your book, I'll check it out. Thanks again, for sharing your life.

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  4. All your comments mean so much, thank you for sharing them :)

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