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Friday, December 2, 2011

My Book, My Secret Life 11/24 - 12/1 Days 328 - 335

And then all of a sudden... it is December!  What once seemed like an eternity away for me has arrived faster than I could ever imagine.  I can remember the first few days of January so well... I felt so overwhelmed, so like "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING, 1000 THINGS IN A YEAR!!"  Now as I sit here and write this, with 960 challenges completed, it is no longer a matter of if I will make it to 1000, it is a matter of when.  That "when", like I have learned and been shown over and over again, is, like virtually everything else in life, it happens whenever I chose for it to be.  I have done the hard part - I have done the hard work, stayed focus, persevered over the many days I wanted to give up early on, I kept on the path I chose through the ups and downs, and now my reward is not only my goal, but the power to chose which date I achieve it on... December 15th, December 20th, December 30th??? I still do not know,  but I am excited for this final month and to see what the Universe has in store for me.

This blog is a little different than the rest of the blogs.  This blog will be my first time to make public and share something very very special to me.  Something only a few of my closest friends have ever known about.  It is a huge part of who I am and where I have come from.  I think by sharing this with you all, you will also get a better sense of who I am and why I am so passionate about wanting to help people.

As many of you know I finished my first book about two months ago.  What it was about remained a mystery.

Four years ago, actually come to think of it, in a bizarre coincidence almost four years to the date (I promise I did not plan this), I created the website: Ouch My Heart Is Broken .  Wait, I don't believe in coincidence's so I guess this is how it was meant to be... a true full circle moment for me (I have the biggest smile when I just typed that).

In June of 2007 I suffered my first broken heart.  My girlfriend of nearly three years broke up with me and I was devastated.  The pain was awful, by far the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.  There were many days where it was a struggle just to breathe, let alone go out, function, and carry on with my day to day life.  I am sure those of you who have been there, know what I mean without elaborating any further.

It was not just the relationship I was sad over, it was all "My Stuff."  The "stuff" in my life that I had never dealt with, never wanted to acknowledge, never wanted to anything with.  When the relationship ended, it brought all of it up to the surface.  It was like ripping a band-aid off an open a wound that had never healed, but had only grown infected with time.  

Feelings of insecurity, not being good enough, not being lovable dominated my day to day existence.  When I could escape my feelings and think, I thought, "how could anyone ever love me again?"  "I am going to end up all alone" etc....  You can fill in the blanks of a 1000 different thoughts... I thought nearly, if not all of them.

I found it amazing that during the midst of all the pain, all the tears, that when I could actually find a moment of clarity to think an honest thought - I would acknowledge that I knew deep down that ending the relationship was for the best for both of us.  Accepting that was something completely different.  I felt more pain than I had ever felt before, I wanted it to go away.  I would do anything to make it stop, including lying to myself, convincing myself that we should be back together.  I wanted to put my "band-aid" back on.  Deep down I knew I did not really want the relationship back; I selfishly wanted the comfort and security it provided me.  With "Mary," (as I call her in the book) I had the security of knowing someone loved me, that someone was there for me, AND that I never had to be alone!  Without her I did not even really know myself, let alone know how to provide myself re-assurance contrary to the above.

I felt lost, I felt desperate... I had arrived at the proverbial fork in the road.  Path #1 is familiar, it leads to more of the same.  Path #2 is the path of change, it is dark and unknown.  I was terrified to take Path #2, but if Path #1 was going to lead to more of the same, which meant more of feeling how I was feeling again... there was no way in hell I was going to voluntarily put myself through all that I was feeling again.  So I opted for Path #2, the scary, unknown, challenging Path of Change.

I have always best helped myself by helping others.  It gives me a purpose, something to focus on externally of how I was feeling inside... I needed a project, something to get me out of my head.  I scoured the internet looking for resources, specifically ones geared towards men who were suffering a broken heart, but could scarcely find a thing.  I began reading countless books on anything and everything about humans: how we think, how we feel, how we act, and why.

The more I learned about humanity, the more I began to understand myself.  As my knowledge increased so did my desire to do something, something big, to help myself and hopefully others heal.  Ouch My Heart Is Broken was born from this desire.  I had decided if there were no real resources out there for men, then I would make one.

What started as a site targeted for men has evolved into a site that welcomes everyone from both sexes of all ages, races, and backgrounds.  Virtually everything on the site is "as it was," four years ago when I created it. I left this because the site is built around the of sharing stories and I wanted my story to remain authentic to what I felt in the moment.

You see I have learned something about people... when we are in our saddest, most desperate, most grief stricken state, we feel lost - we feel alone.  We feel so alone that our salvation from the pain may seem completely unobtainable.  It is in this state that we have the greatest opportunity for change, but for change to happen, we need hope.

That is what Ouch My Heart Is Broken is for - to inspire hope in people.  Through the communal sharing of stories, people from all over the world, from every background, every religion, every age, can see they are not alone in the pain they are feeling.  Not only are they not alone, but they are not the only ones going through what they are going through.  People can link up with others around the world so a person in New York can see that a person in Paris is experiencing the same thing as he or she is.  These insights alone can potentially be the catalyst that provides the hope that may not only change someone's life, but could possibly save their life.

Since the site has been up 1000's of people from all over the world have visited it, how they find it, I do not know.  100's have written me, (Michael, my alias on the site) sharing their stories with me.  You see love and the pain that comes with its' loss are universal truths, ones we all share... they know no bounds.

As I saw the difference the site was making in peoples lives, I wanted to do more, so I decided to write a book.  A book that could further help (I hope) people suffering from a broken heart.  It took me nearly two years to finish it, and it is my best offering to date, to the world to help people all over hopefully heal their broken hearts.

The book is a "Heart Beak Survival Guide" for the lack of a better phrase.  It is written to act as a guidebook to help you through that extremely difficult time only  heartbreak can cause.  The book includes everything from a suggested daily schedule, to an exercise program, to a post heartbreak "do's and don'ts" guide.

The book is now for sale on the site.  If you purchase the book, you get a free lifetime "premium" membership that gives you access to all the discussion forums.

Of all the challenges, of all the experiences, of all the things I have done, tried, tasted etc..., none has been more scary for me than this.  I have shared Ouch My Heart Is Broken with the world for nearly four years now, but I have always been protected by two things.  One, the alias I use when sharing my stories and responding to emails on the site "Michael."  And two, the fact that I have only told a few people about it over the years, leaving virtually every person who knows me in the dark about me having such a site

It has taken me two days to write this blog.  I have been on the emotional roller coaster.  Feelings of happiness, sadness, and lots of tears of both happiness and sadness, and the biggest one, FEAR (i can't share this with people, people will think I am weak, people will think I am crazy, people will think ______ ) you  name it I have been feeling it these past two days.  More than anything though, I have been scared about sharing this very private part of me with the world, but I know it is time for me to do so.

Having said that, I do have a favor to ask all of you, if you know someone who is going through a tough time, please pass the site on to them.  I know the site helps, I have seen it 100's of times over the last four years.  Please spend some time checking out the site.  It will help you get to know a different side of me.

Wow,  I really do not know what else to say, so I guess the time has come to hit the "publish" button and send this blog out into the world.  Well, here it goes, WAIT, actually, I do have one more thing to say :)

Dreams you guys will always remain just that, dreams... thoughts in our heads, until we start doing something about them.  When I made this website, I did not know how to make websites.  I had learned how to follow a template though after making my personal site .  At the time when I purchased the necessary web tools to make the site (approximately $160) I was living off my credit cards, trying to start my life over post Mary.  I could NOT afford to do the site financially, but I really COULD NOT afford not to do the site either. I did not know if the site would make a difference, but in my heart, all I wanted to do was TO make a difference.  It was my dream to take my pain and turn it into something positive.

As I have said so many times, I am no different than any of you.  Every single one of you has the ability to take your dreams and turn them into a reality.  All you have to do is believe in yourself, and believe in what you want to do.  Do not let your limitations in the moment keep you from starting down the path to living your dreams.

Four years ago, writing a book for Ouch My Heart Is Broken was not even a thought.  It became another dream that evolved from the dream before it which was creating a website to help people deal with heartbreak.

Dreams have that power, they have the ability to build on one another.  If your big dreams scare you, start small... dream little dreams first.  Once you start achieving those dreams, dream the bigger ones, and then even bigger ones after that.

Ok, I have rambled on long enough, it is time for  me to hit the "publish" button, wish me luck.  I hope the site, the book, and your experience with either one or both, impacts you the same way as creating them has impacted me.  Ladies and Gentlemen, it was with a rapidly beating heart, that I present to you all: Ouch My Heart Is Broken and The Ouch My Heart Is Broken "Heartbreak Survival Guide."

Enjoy the pics,


Enjoy the site ;)

Carpe Diem,

Jesse AKA Michael


  1. Congratulations Jesse, amazing accomplishment in your life. I have a friend who has published 5 novels now and each one is a testament to her perserverance, committment, love for what she is doing. It was a scary thing to put out the first one, so be encouraged. You are a source of encouragement for many, and many are your encouragers. Peace to you....

  2. Congrats, Jesse, MAJOR Congrats! Look into uploading it for sale on Kindle. If you need more info, let me know.

    You've shared so much of yourself & have so much advice to've opened your heart and have touched so many others. Your father would be so proud of you, I know your family is, include your online family in that too.

    Many Blessings!

    Engrid (Penny)