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Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Death and the Gift that Lies Within

This last week has been a challenge to put it lightly.  I am not quite sure what will flow as I type, but I know where I want to end up going with this blog.  Ultimately I hope this blog entry leaves you with, well, You will just have to keep reading to see that. :)

On Saturday, November 30th, 2013 I returned home from a workout a little after 5pm.  On an average day I keep my cell phone on silent and only check it a few times a day.  About 6pm I checked it and saw I had several bizarre texts from different people asking if I was ok and saying they had heard that Paul was in a crash.  I also saw I had a missed call from a mutual friend of both Paul and I.  I immediately called him and he confirmed what I discovered when I turned on the computer.

I am thankful I was able to get ahold of him right away because the online world was providing a host a mixed info.  Some sites were saying Paul had died, others were saying it was a hoax.  When I switched over to Twitter to try to get more current info the #RIPPaulWalker and #PaulWalkerHoax were both trending simultaneously.  I cannot tell you what that felt like - the unknowing the watching the world try to decipher fact from fiction, hoping it was fiction, but hearing your buddies voice confirm that it was indeed fact.

Time stood still for me.  I must have visited a 100 different web pages trying to find one that said it was all a hoax, it was just internet bull shit and Paul was alive and well.  All the while my phone kept ringing, text messages and emails kept coming in, I knew from the volume that no matter how hard I tried I would not be able to find a reality where my friend still lived, I knew he was gone.

I sat there in disbelief and then the tears started.  Along with the tears came the questions: Why Paul?  How can this be real?  This has to be a dream right?  Why did this have to happen to him?  Why did this have to happen to me?  Why do I have to live my life without my friend who I was absolutely certain would be a lifelong friend?

The tears continued…

About 9:30 or 10pm I started responding to text messages.  The only reason was was because I was getting pissed off that people were asking me if I was hurt, if I was ok.  What kind of question is that?  Of course I am fucking hurt!  In fact I am no where near being ok!

I could not figure out why people would ask me that. It wasn't until a few hours later that a friend of mine told me that there was a rumor going around in the cyber world that I may have been in the car.  In the hours immediately after I didn't even think about that… that people may think it was me there, I only thought of Paul.

Sunday was spent crying, reflecting, and trying to connect with people who I knew he would want me to connect with.  At the same time I also tried to connect with a few people who understood his and mine relationship.  Paul and I were friends, brothers, kindred spirits, and all the above.  Our friendship was filled with the full spectrum - never wanting to grow up and acting like 10 year olds on one end to having deeply loving, thoughtful and insightful conversations that come with wisdom and experience on the other end. I kept the closeness we shared private for the most part.  Years ago when we first started hanging out I had several people who heard from friends of friends that I was Paul Walkers friend and they were "just wondering if I could _____ (fill in the blank)."  The point is people started coming at me right away to try and gain access to Paul.  I didn't like it so I didn't talk about him or our friendship to most because I wanted to protect him and his privacy.

Monday morning was my lowest point.  I woke up at about 2am feeling nauseous by 3:30 I was throwing up with food poisoning.  At one point around 4:30 am, I was hugging the toilet and dry heaving in-between the tears of loss AND if that wasn't enough, you know how with food poisoning you sometimes get it coming out of both ends???  Well lets just say that I was crying, I was dry heaving, and simultaneously I was squeezing my butt cheeks trying not to let good ole #2 get the jump on me.  At one point I started laughing and thought: "man I would sure love to tell this story to Paul.  He of all people would appreciate the bathroom humor and allow me to use graphic detail when describing my time with the porcelain God."

The puking stopped by 9am and a new week began.  A week that was filled with tears, with thoughts, with more tears and more thoughts and feelings.

As many of you know this is not my first rodeo when it comes to losing a loved one.  Paul was much different than Gabe and my Dad though.

With Gabe the loss of him also came with a loss of an innocence.  Me finding him and the experiences that followed.  (If you are not familiar with this story you can click on the link here to learn more about me and ultimately why I did the 1000 Challenge).

With my Dad it was the shock of losing someone again, the forced acknowledgement of the mortality of ones parents, and the guilt and regrets that came with the realization that there were opportunities for a deeper relationship between the two of us that would go unrealized.

It has been my experience with death, both personal, as a friend supporting others in loss, and through working with clients, that when death happens some of the most common feelings people feel are guilt and regret.  These feelings are articulated in the form of these common questions: "I wish would have____"  "If only I would have ____."  The blanks are typically filled in with words like love, sorry, effort i.e. "I wish I would have told her I loved her more, or I wish I would have made more of an effort to spend time with him."

With Paul I didn't have those feelings and without those I did not have the questions that go with them. With both Gabe and my Dad I felt a ton of guilt and regret.  With Paul there was/is just a deep void a void that comes from the loss of a very special person.  You see we both made it a priority to say I love you.  We both would call one another at random times just to say how proud we were and what we meant to each other.  The bond we shared and the love we felt was very clear and I'll be forever grateful for that.  And within that clarity there is no space for guilt or regret. :)

This has also reminded me just how important it is to make it a regular practice to communicate these feelings to the people who matter most in your life.  Tell someone you love them, tell them how much you appreciate them, let them know how proud you are of them.  Don't leave things unsaid, you never know when your time or their time will end.  Say what is most important to say while you have the breath to say it.

Watching the world mourn your friend is indescribable to say the least.  It comes with a very mixed emotional bag.  On one hand there is such a great sense of love and pride, pride that this person, my friend, could make such a positive impact on so many others.  On the other hand there is also anger and frustration.  Anger that there are people out there trying to exploit him, people trying to hurt him and his daughter, people talking about him and who he was, who have no idea who he really is - it is hard to watch and see all that.  There is a part of me that wants to defend him, that wants to shut up the people that need to be shut up, that wants to, well to put it politely, smack the shit out of people who are trying to exploit him and his daughter amongst others.

I know those would not be the most productive nor positive courses of actions.  I only share them with you because I want to be real with you right now.  And those are real thoughts and real feelings that I have had.  Another real thought and real feeling I have had, one that I have put my energy and attention towards is: honoring Paul.  How can I live my life moving forward so that I honor him best.

How can we all live our lives moving forward so that we can all honor him and what he meant to us?

I have smiled seeing the outpouring of love and support from fans around the world.  What I am so impressed by is a point I made last week.  It does not take money to make a positive impact, it only takes desire and a will to take the actions to make it a reality.  After all, look at all that has been done this last week to honor him.

1000's of people from all over the world have gathered to honor Paul, to bring attention to him, and to ROWW.  Many of you have helped raise 100's if not 1000's of dollars this last week to help support ROWW.  Many of you have donated time, money, and energy towards ROWW.  Watching this and see this beautiful gesture from so many has given me nothing less than goosebumps at times.

It also makes me wonder, what could the world be like if we focused our energy on honoring someone in life the same way we do as in death?

Think about that…

How much better could all your relationships be if you celebrated their lives with the same intensity and passion as you would morn their death?

How much deeper could you connect with those who matter most if you loved them with the intensity while they are alive as you would morn them in death?

How much more could you accomplish, how much more can you do, if you put the same passion and energy into accomplishing and doing things in life as you would when honoring someones death.

Death has a very clever way of removing boundaries and obstacles.  I guarantee many of you had obstacles to overcome to go to one of the car rallies this past weekend, BUT you were going to be dammed if you let those stand in the way and keep you from going!

What will it take to make that attitude, that passion, that intensity a part of our daily lives?

As I wrap things up, I am curious, how has this blog made you feel?  What are your thoughts?

Remember pain is a part of life.  Pain is also one of the greatest gifts we will ever have in life for without pain how could we ever learn to appreciate and enjoy at the level we are capable of?  Without pain how could we ever discover just how strong we truly are?

On the other side of pain is pleasure and it is always much much closer than you think.  I have been in a tremendous amount of pain this last week, but I keep reminding myself that there are lessons within the pain and those lessons will ultimately lead to the pleasure of life.

Anyone in life can do pleasure.  Pleasure is easy.  Pain is the challenge.  Pain is what tests us, pain is what will break us if we allow it to.  Pain is the barrier that can keep us from our dreams… Pain, and how we handle it when we are face to face with it, will ultimately define us.

And so my friends I hope this blog has given you a bit more insight and understanding to me.  I hope this blog has inspired you... inspired you to look at life a different way, inspired you to make doing and saying all you are a capable of a priority while you can.  I hope this blog has left you with the courage to face any pain you may be facing right now.

The pictures below are from this mornings sunrise.  May they serve as a reminder that beauty is everywhere and that from the darkest of places a great light can spring fourth, one that can illuminate the world.

Find Your Light!

Carpe Diem,



  1. Oh Jesse...I don't even know what to say right now. I'm finding it hard to eloquently write what I want to say. Inspiring. Motivating. I just want to give you a hug. I will say this, I didn't know Paul personally, but admired him. Not for his movies (though those were great too), but for the human being that he was and the things he did. He was my celebrity crush. Not just because of his looks (those weren't bad either) but because of his heart. His love of the ocean, creatures of the world, humankind.....His love of life. I have supported and will continue to support ROWW since the day he posted about it on facebook. I've always felt that wish I could meet him and have a conversation with him in the hopes that that love of life would rub off on me. That I could learn something from him. I realize that I life and in death. More stories keep coming out about how big of a heart he had and its such an incredible loss for this world. But, I do have to thank him for something and that something is you. In a time in my life when I wasn't doing so good, I saw a post of his on facebook talking about you and asking his fans to support you. I clicked the link, liked your page and have been following you ever since. You have brought a smile to my face numerous times when I didn't have one and needed one. You have inspired me and helped me. You are another person that I admire and respect for their heart... and maybe someday you and I can have a conversation and you can rub off on me. In the meantime, your posts and blogs are doing the trick. Thank YOU for being you and spreading the love in your heart. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some family members to hug and some love to spread. Much love to you. Carpe diem, my friend.

    1. Can I just say Ditto, Cindy?! I also have been a huge Paul Walker fan for many years, but the man, not the actor! I never met him, just cyber stalked which unfortunately doesn't always tell the truth and he stayed out of the tabloids. I came across you, Jesse, through following Paul and I admire you as well - For you! Not for being Paul's friend. I have been reading your posts and blogs since 2010? I feel horrible for your loss! I can't even imagine losing my lifelong friend at this stage in life. I'm 39 in the Midwest, happily married for 18 years with 2 sons. All of my close friends and family know of my admiration (some thought obsession) with Paul Walker. I never thought I would grieve over someone I never met. I felt silly for shedding tears and watching the stories that came following his death, but I see I am not the only one. Paul was a great human being and impacted many!

      Carpe diem!


  2. First wanted to say HuGs & PrAyErS to you during this time. I "found" you through Paul when I saw yall on a late show together. This was a great blog post. We do really need to live in the moment and celebrate this one life that we have. Celebrate life with the people that mean something to us and just let the rest go. Stick to the uplifting and let the negative go. Those are some amazing sunrise pictures!

  3. it's 2 pm there and i'm blasted by what you've wrote, even i'm so sleepy. When i knew this horrible news i kept thinking to you.I know for awhile you are close friends.
    I knew the story of Gabe and the loss of your father. Your reaction is i was waiting for, no surprise at all.because of some message we have exchanged in the past. As you know the net allows sometimes on discovering personalities and their reactions even it occurs carrying a lot of shit. And some this week made me anger many times; Fuck ! Paul was a man, a father, a son and a bro' before being that Hollywood guy.The mass media became hysterics as i thought before and some of them made me puking. So it's a strange thing, when you were writing all this, in the same time i was writing a letter to you; You'll get it soon, i hope, it's not posted at the moment but i don't want change a line, at the reverse is not necessary. Your text prove me i wasn't wrong about what i was thinking anyway.Beyond words you know i've understood.if you remember some messages i sent to you last year, in 2011 and this year.. So dear Jesse, you are giving again a great lessons of humanity, sharing honestly what you feel and felt We are all living with profound scares in our soul. They are lessons of life and part of it. They are like paths on our skin and this pathes will never come faded but would became lightening later. Will is everything, tears are the rain of our painful soul in this circumstance. But the light you spread, as the light Paul spreads are lighting darkness and doubt of our days. Thinking to someone who passed away is giving a such an energy even this energy is wrapped with sorrow. Will is everything, will to stand up for those who love beyond death. Will to be grateful. Because love is stronger than death. Paul is just in the room next door you know...Let's receive his legacy with ROWW, and let's spread his magnificent purpose all around the world. "in the midst of winter, i found in myself an invincible summer". Brotherly hugs Jesse.

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I found you when Paul mentioned you in a post. Ever since I have been very inspired by your words. This really got me thinking. I have lost way more people in my life then I even want to think about. I did have a lot of those regrets, I should have visited more, called, written anything. Paul's passing made me rethink my relationships with people. I sent everyone that was important to me a message saying how much I loved them and what they meant to me. Some thought I was dying, or just crazy..but after I told them I didn't want them to ever wonder what they meant to me, they understood. I hope everyone remembers to always tell people how much they mean to you.

  5. Jesse,
    Wow! I have just finished reading both blogs, and, wow!
    First response, is to remind you and encourage you to keep your heart wide open. I have had dear ones die, and for awhile after, I feel them around. I feel them very, very, close. I have a suspicion that for those who pass to the other side, it is very frustrating to watch their loved ones act as if they are not there anymore. I encourage you to go to the ocean, stand by the water, open your heart, and talk to Paul. He will always be there to connect with you. You will hear him and feel him in your heart. He will answer your questions. He will guide you. God is Love. And we will always connect with the living and those who have passed on to the other side, through Love.

    For many of us Paul was not tangible. You are. You connect with the people. You listen. You communicate. Paul was your friend, and so through you, we had a link to the intangible. As then, is now. You help us see and connect to what seems intangible in ourselves.

    Your blogs bring up a lot of reflection for me.

    I could share with you my story. Maybe one day I will.

    For now, I encourage you to BREATHE. In every breath you take, Paul will be with you.


  6. Since I learned of the death of your brother and friend, Paul, I have experienced so many emotions. I felt both grief and anger. I didn't know Paul personally but I liked him as an actor and I loved his smile. He seemed to stay out of the spotlight unless necessary and he was always humble in his interviews. As I read the various stories and comments from close friends, I started to really see the heart of Paul Walker and it made grieve more because he was kind, gerenous, loving, caring, and so many other wonderful things. I did the only thing I could do, give to ROWW so Paul's vision can continue.

    As a law enforcement officer, I witness death on a regular basis. But I wonder why it always seem to be the good people who die. It seems like the murderers, robbers, drug-dealers, and others who get to live long destructive lives. But someone like Paul dies at 40.

    From all accounts, it seems like Paul really loved life and he lived-- from traveling, to being in the ocean, to tagging sharks, and spending time with his daughter. I ADMIRER that. I am in a place of self-reflection. I need to make some changes. I am not living the life I want to live. I feel like I have just been existing, going through the motions of life---as if I have all the time in the world. The death of Paul removed the blinders from my eyes. I found you, Jesse, through Paul and I am very grateful. Thanks for your encouragement through facebook posts, videos, and heavenly photos.

  7. First, I would like to offer my condolences to you for the loss of Paul. My thoughts and prayers are with you, his family and friends.
    Second, I just want to say how much I admire you for opening yourself to us and telling us about this difficult time for you. Your reflections in this blog have made me think about my parents mortality. I will be honest and admit that I hate to think about losing my parents. They are my strength, comfort and support. Yet, I see their mortality every time I see my trying to get up from our couch or when I see her trying to walk without any support or help. Your blog reinforces what I have been trying to say and show to my parents, how much I love them. I don't want that to be a regret that I have when it comes to them.
    And as you say: Carpe Diem!

  8. One positive thing thats come of all this for me, is finding you, your page, and your blogs. You truly are an inspiration Jesse and just reading your post enlightens my day and has turned my frowns upside down. Thank you. :)

  9. Live in the I struggle with a lot of personal, painful issues the past few months myself, I have definitely tried to keep that perspective of lessons learned. Some days it is easier than others to move through that negativity, and somehow realize, through my faith or when mine is lacking, others faith that it can't rain forever. What is to be gained from painful experiences, loss, seems to be always found in hindsight....I am happy to see your posts reflect what you have obviously gained through you own strength and mindset that it can't rain forever.....for a little while perhaps, but not forever...When you said that about finding the light, it made me smile and go back to a Sunday school favorite....This Little Light of Mine....I'm going to let it shine.....Paul's light will shine on through everyone/thing he touched...and the many who receive the light will be much better for it...I feel for your hurt heart, but glad to know you are strong to survive and will find ways to honor your best friend and his legacy....

  10. Wow!! Love your words of inspiration! We never know exactly where life might lead us...sometimes I sit and think what if? Then I think, well if God wanted it that way it would be. However I'm having a hard time understanding why he takes the good people- things away from us so soon...I know ots all part of his big plan, but sometimes I just tjink what if? What if Paul would have lived through his accident? Would his charity have done so well with all the generous donations? Would people around the country still be thinking about what could they do to help?? What if?? I personally have become inspired to try to help people in need. I believe that must have been his purpose here on earth...He started with Roww and other generous things and ended with a bang!! People all over the world are now helping others!! Through Paul!! That I would have to say is the biggest accomplishment ever!! Lots of prayers to you and all of Paul's family and friends!!

  11. Thank you Jesse for sharing those inspiring words. Something I know is extremely difficult to do in this dark hour. While reading your words you made me cry, you made laugh, then cry a little more. In the end you made me realize the gift that life truly is and how much we must appreciate every single day we are granted, as well as every person we have in our lives. I have been a fan of Paul the actor since watching his goofy character in Meet the Deedles. As his career began to grow and we all began to see him for the person he truly was I become a fan of Paul the man. He was such a kind, generous, fun loving person. A true example to look up to. It is amazing to see the huge impact he has had all over the world. His work with ROWW is truly that of an angel. To have the determination and willpower to create such an organization is a true testament to the type of person Paul Walker was. I know the difficulty of losing a loved one and how hard it can be to continue moving forward in life, but it can be done. I am genuinely sorry for your loss because I can see the strong friendship you had with Paul. I never knew I could feel so heart broken over the loss of a man I never met but that just goes to show how much Paul was loved and admired by not only me, but all his other fans as well. May you continue to find the strength to carry on, and may you also continue to inspire us all with your words. Sending love and prayers to you and all the people who were lucky to be in the life of such an amazing man as Paul.
    His life and legacy will live forever in our hearts♥

  12. Jesse, you are truly amazing! I hate all the traumatic events that you have gone through. I can relate to the dark place and pain that death can send our way. It is hard to move forward when your world has been brought to a violent halt. My family saw you and Paul at a Dairy Queen during your Big Bend and Alamo excursion. He walked out of the bathroom and I really couldn't believe it was him. I later spoke to you on twitter about it. I can still remember your faces as you were laughing when he saw you were indeed NOT buying a blizzard but waiting in the car. haha That was the day I began to follow your posts. You have to remember all the wonderful times and adventures you had together. I feel that his life was better having you as a friend. You are such an inspiration to so many. Don't ever let anyone or anything stop you from doing what you do. I will continue to pray for you, Paul's family as well as the driver's family. I know you have some hard days ahead but Paul is always with you. Just listen for him, you will find comfort.. I am sending you hugs!!

  13. This was an amazing blog. Definitely spoken from the heart and I admire your honesty. You are an amazing person and so was Paul. Not very many people have the blessing of having such amazing people in their lives, and you guys were amazing to each other. I know you will always cherish that friendship, and to be honest, your words have inspired me. You are brave and you have no idea how much of an impact your life and words have on other people. Best wishes to you! =)

  14. My heart goes out to you Jesse...As I read your blog, I found myself in tears...I am a very big fan of Paul...I have followed him throughout the years in movies, interviews and pictures...I new there was something great about Paul when I first saw in the movies(aside from his good looks..I admit, but there was something in my gut that told he was a good person whole-heartedly..I wish I had the opportunity to meet Paul, it was a dream of mine.
    The night of Paul's husband woke me up..It was around 12 am when he had heard the news...He woke me up and said "Becky, I thought you should know Paul Walker was in a car crash, they are saying he is dead"...I said "No he is not."..He said "Becky are u listening to me?" I said "Yes, I am awake". He said "Paul Walker is gone"..I said "No he is not". I laid in bed a few minutes and then got up to check the news online...It was there on the page and my heart just sunk..I was shocked, I didn't believe it or didn't know to believe it and I got on facebook and I had numerous messages my friends had sent me about Paul(they knew he was my favorite person)..I said "No this can't be real, its a hoax". I checked Paul's page(which I have been a fan of since he got it...I remember when he was making posts, he was verifying to facebook that he was the real Paul Walker)..I seen a post that Paul's rep had confirmed what I didn't want to believe....I was heartbroken...I know it may sound funny because I didn't know Paul personally, but I feel like I did...I know I may not have known him as well as you or his family or other friends of him, but I know one thing, he was a great- giving, loving and humble person...I remember when he made the post about his new foundation ROWW...I said now that is a person with heart, to want to do the right things and help people in need...I started to join ROWW, but because of medical reasons, I could not..I wish I could have...I would have worked right along with Paul and the others...
    Sunday, I came home from work and got online..I started reading comments and looking at news post about Paul and I broke down..The tears started but I didn't want to believe he was gone...I asked the same questions...Why Paul? Why like that? He was a good person..Why did he have to be the one in that car?...More tears now...
    I've not seen too many bad things being said about Paul, but the way they tried to exploit his daughter and him, yes that made me mad and I am with you on that..I would like to knock the shit out of people who do that to them.
    The support that I have seen from Paul's fans and co-workers is just unbelievable..I know he was truly loved and left a mark on everyone's heart in some way or another.
    Paul is my legend. He will never be forgotten and he will always be loved.

  15. One word that comes to mind when I read this blog post is vulnerability. First I should tell you that I admired your friend Paul (from afar, obviously) and have come to admire you as well. I'm an avid marine/scuba/ocean lover, dog fanatic, traveler, helper of those in need, loyal friend and completely in love with my family. So, I couldn't help but admire someone like him with so much in common. I always thought it was so wonderful that he used his celebrity status to help those in need and educate people on marine and ocean issues. So, as I said, you are someone I have come to admire thanks to social media...otherwise I would have missed out on your inspirational quotes, daily reminders to "live for the moment" and numerous motivational posts. All of these have been great, but this blog post (for me) seemed like a true vulnerable moment. You let your guard down and shed light on feelings that are sacred and special for you to complete strangers. I truly feel that if we were all a little bit more vulnerable we wouldn't miss out on the opportunities to tell people our true thoughts. We're so scared to expose ourselves that we miss out on expressing our feelings. You mentioned in your post "It also makes me wonder, what could the world be like if we focused our energy on honoring someone in life the same way we do as in death?" I think it's a problem of allowing yourself to be vulnerable...for the good, the bad and whatever else may come from you just acting on your true feelings. When that person is present it's easier to worry about them hurting you or not caring as much as you do. So...I sat next to Paul Walker a few years back at the Georgian Terrace in Atlanta, GA when they were filming Fast & Furious 6. I was there for a work meeting and sat there waiting for my colleague to show up all the while sitting arm to arm next to someone who I admired so much (for at least 20 minutes). But guess what I did? Nothing. I sat there...I didn't' tell him how much I admired him, how much I loved marine biology too, how I wish I could quit my job and just volunteer with ROWW and how he and the guy he was with should definitely not go to the diner they were about to go to. Nope, I let the fear of exposing myself to a complete stranger that I "creepily" knew too much about get in the way. forward to November 2013 and I found myself sitting next to him again at Fox Brother BBQ (my favorite bbq joint in Atlanta). And guess what I did again?? Nothing. What was I so scared of? The same thing that most people are afraid of and that is exposing oneself and being rejected. I remember telling a friend, after my second failed attempt to introduce myself to my "celebrity" admiration, that "Well, third time's a charm." Little did I know that there was no third time happening. Obviously I have more instances in my life that I have learned this lesson, but these two times have been prevalent in my thoughts lately. You can't let the fear of telling someone what you think about them get in the way of acting on how you feel. I don't know what it means to be a life coach, but if any of your messages are as vulnerable as this then I understand how you are relatable and why others would hope to live their lives like you do. We need more people in this world like you, thank you. - Emily

  16. Jesse,Thank you! Thank you for this blog post and the strenght that it gives me. Since 30/11 time stands still, and sometimes i really think that i am going to get insane, because i am so devastated so in pieces over Paul's death that it is oftjen that i just can't think clear anymore. Those moments i read your posts, messages and they are always so full of inspiration, of positivisme. It just give me a lot of support. I have already lost many people who were very close to me. I lost my dad when i was 5, my mom died of cancer when i was 14, so had a difficult childhood, but i survived and met a nice young man! We married and we got a boy. When my son was 1 year, tragedy strikes again, my husband dies in an accident. i was only 24 years old, alone and with a baby of 1 year! Those years after ....i frankly don't know how i survived them, i guess day by day and with a lot of ups and downs. When i became 30 i met somebody new, a very sweet man, and after a year we got married, and we got a daughter, we are now 12 years togheter, but that doesn't mean that tragedy in life stopped for me. 3 years ago my brother comitted suicide, i was at that time really a wreck, but with the love of my family i keep going. I always said after my brother passed: please no more deaths, no more for at least 10 years because i cannot bare this anymore, there is no more place for another loss in my backpack! i just can't deal with it anymore, and than, ....BAM!!! my hero, my God, My idol dies in a car accident. I was lierally sick when i found out that sunday morning. I was having breakfast and my children, who know how a big PW fan i am, told me the sad news, they had already saw it on their FB. Since that moment time stands still, can't eat, or sleep anymore, i function, but it's like a robot, and i cry myself to sleep every night! My husband and childeren are a great support, because i do realize that it must not be plaisant for my husband that his wife cries every night against him in bed for another man. My childeren see a mother who is crying all day, Everyday i say to myself: come on now, brace yourself!! you got to move on, Paul would want that you moved on! And believe me i am trying, but its so much to handle, all those losses, and with paul, it's like it is the loss too much! Why him....Not him, not that beautiful man, who is so nobel, so humble, so sweet, generous, so funny, who is only 40 years old, and was lokking forward to spend more time with his daughter! it was not his time!!! i already red 1000 times, that God has decided that he was neede in heaven too, but what kind of God do this? Why does God takes a dad away from his 15 year old daughter? she still needed him :'( I know, i had the same age! Thank you Jesse to share this message, to reconstruct those first moments after you find out, your best pal died. It is very brave to share that with us, and it gives me a feeling that we will get through this together! we will be here to support eachother! I really loved Paul, still do, but i hope that in time, i will be able to give it a place in my heart and that the pain will be less and that the good memories about him will get the overhand. Thanks Jesse, thank you for getting me through this horrible time xxx

  17. Thank you very much for the courage of sharing your emotions with us. It is far beyond possible imagination to know what you have been through this past week and what you are still going through. I am deeply sorry.
    I liked Paul for the person he seemed to be. In the past years, every time a natural disaster stroke in the US or elsewhere on this planet, I’ve been thinking, “Walker is out there gathering help or he is actually at the disaster struck place.” That thought always made me smile. He could’ve just sat back, enjoyed drinks and luxury, maybe invest some cash into charity, but, nah, he went to a country destructed by an earthquake, where most people would try to get away, flee from, to help people. To me, that fact says a lot about a person.
    The very first thing I saw in the morning of November 30th, was a rainbow. I love rainbows, the beauty of them, I can’t help but stare at them every time I see one. When a day starts like that, it’s supposed to be a good, a beautiful day, not some nightmare it’s impossible to wake up from. Now every rainbow will remind me of the day that Paul Walker died.
    Every person, no matter what their job is or how well known their name might be, needs a caring, honest and true friend. Thank you for being such a friend to Paul.

  18. There is not much left to say after your writing and the comments above. None of us knew Paul like you, his other friends and family. What gets me is that regardless to this fact even we are so sad about his passing, that I cannot even imagine how you all must feel. I admire your positiveness and wish his friends and family the strength to go on.. I looked up so many things about him, because before this I didn't know a lot about him. And as I read more more and more about things he did, how he was like and what there probably is more about him we don't know, it really made me think. Despite that I am devastated that somebody like him had to go so early, I took the lesson, to make more of my life, to try to live to the fullest with the recourses and opportunities I have. Life is short as we see.. And you all are lucky to have get to know such a beautiful person and he was lucky to have so many people around him, that are as beautiful as him and loved him so deeply. This is nothing everybody can say about their lives

    Eda from Germany.

  19. Thank you everyone for taking the time to read, your kind words, and sharing your own personal thoughts and feelings. Your comments and contributions to the discussion are both appreciated and touching. :)

    1. No....Thank YOU Jesse, God bless you xxx

    2. Jesse,
      I did not know Paul, but was inspired by him. His actions to help the rest of the world showed me that there is hope for humanity. There is so much bad in the world, and seeing Paul be such a huge force of good always made me smile. I do not follow celebrities, but Paul has always been the one exception because of what he did outside of his fame. Paul was different. I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart reaches out to you and the rest of his loved ones. I am going to do everything in my power to contribute to ROWW to honor his memory, because a man who did so much for complete strangers deserves the same in return.
      Thank you for writing this blog post. It really spoke to me, made me think of some of the things that I am currently doing wrong that could become potential regrets. Thank you for being an inspiration and for sharing these things about Paul. I can't imagine how hard this all must be for you and everyone that knew him. I'm sorry for all of the shitty people who are making this worse for you and his family and friends. I wish the media would just give you and his loved ones some privacy to mourn. The way some of these people act makes me ashamed of the human race. Just know we all aren't like that.

  20. Dearest Jesse,

    overwhelmed by different emotions, I have now read your blog for the second time.
    The first time it was so heartbreaking that I could not hold back my tears. After I read it a second time, it makes me think about your words.
    Your words are so honest and sincere. Thank you for sharing them with us.

    I am a true believer in the subconscious and that nothing is random. So it should also be on Saturday, November 30th.

    On this Saturday (about 07:00 p.m., CET and about 10:00 a.m., PST) I had some time for myself and for some unknown reason I thought of a friend. Over 10 years ago he lost his life in a car accident due to speed.
    I remembered how people were talking about him, shortly after his sudden death. And I thought about the day before the accident when I saw him for the last time and spoke to him.
    I met him on my way home and he asked me if he could drive me home because it would have been a long way home.
    He saw my fear and insecurity because he was known to like to drive fast, but he promised me that he will drive carefully.
    During this drive he was so kind and considerate. He calmed me down and I think he has never driven so slowly before. :)
    He brought me home safely.
    When he drove off again, I could hear the car tires as they squealed and I had to smile…
    In the following night he was killed.

    Then the people began to talk about the accident, about him and so on. Although some of them did not even know him, they condemned him and made an opinion about everything. But I find that he did not deserve it.
    When I looked back again this Saturday, November 30th, I was able to think only of the good in him and this memory, my own, that's the most important thing that really matters… without knowing what would happen from this moment on just a few hours later.
    In retrospect, I look at the sudden memory of my friend as a kind of foreshadowing and preparation.

    On Sunday afternoon, December 1st, my boyfriend and I were on our way to my brother and his family to honor him and to celebrate his 35th Birthday together.
    Meanwhile, my boyfriend gave me his cell phone without a word. It was to read a message from a reputable online news service, which I gave only superficial attention.
    Shocked and confused I gave him the phone back with the comment: "Yes, but that's only for the movie, Fast & Furious 7." An inner relief came over me.
    But disbelief I took the phone back. And I read the full article. After that, I felt absolutely nothing and honestly I would rather turn back home again.
    But I drove on to my family, trying to suppress the grief and was only thankful as I had arrived.
    I took my brother in my arms and hugged him like never before.
    At that moment, it was the most amazing for me be able to celebrate my brother's life.

    Since that day, something changed for me. Something in me has changed. My behavior towards the people that surround me, has become different.

    It feels like a better self and to know for the first time where I want to go.

    Love, Doreen

  21. Dear Jesse, how emotional and so full of love for your amazing and inspirational friend-what a friendship you two have!...i too was at a very bad time in my life 6 yrs ago when my brother was needed for better things in heaven, what i can only describe as my worst nightmare ever. My world literally fell apart then and i thought it would never be pieced bk together, that i would always live in this nightmare!..anyway i lived life just existing and processing this big departure in my life trying to find a new bestfriend to fill my void, to laugh, play jokes on eachother and just have that person there that you trust your life with.My god, i never thought that would happen, never thought i would trully laugh again and mean it. it was a very miserable time in my life i was only 23, i was sinking, and fast! so i turned it around and it was sonething so little but i remember taking a walk and it was so windy that night and i thought, how strong is this wind?! something i could not see, but was yet so powerful, like the love i had for my brother and that i believed he was there with me, pushing me up, helping me to swim :)....i now live my life for him and the love we share, making sure everyday i do something fun, worth while and meaningful- like a good deed of the day which i have done since i was 13 that could be helping someone with food, money or just my time, ears for listening and arms for cuddles...

    i think your friendship and love for eachother will shine through, Paul was quite clearly a very generous man- finacially and emotionally. He wanted to make things better, make people feel better, better their surroundings, love and protect animals and the earth! Your pain will push you through and make you an even better person thanyou already are and im sure that your beautiful friend will be standing next to you, through it all pushing you through.remember that wind, you cant see it but its there...

    1. This was simply beautiful. Thank you for sharing with such sincere honesty.

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  23. Death is nothing at all.
    I have only slipped away to the next room.
    I am I and you are you.
    Whatever we were to each other,
    That, we still are.

    Call me by my old familiar name.
    Speak to me in the easy way
    which you always used.
    Put no difference into your tone.
    Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

    Laugh as we always laughed
    at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
    Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
    Let my name be ever the household word
    that it always was.
    Let it be spoken without effect.
    Without the trace of a shadow on it.

    Life means all that it ever meant.
    It is the same that it ever was.
    There is absolute unbroken continuity.
    Why should I be out of mind
    because I am out of sight?

    I am but waiting for you.
    For an interval.
    Somewhere. Very near.
    Just around the corner.

    All is well.
    Henry Scott Holland

  24. Hello,
    I came across this blog today, unintentionally. I am nothing but a mere fan, not of an actor, but of a human and sincere soul. I have always had this strange connection with Paul, from a distance. Was it something in his eyes that spoke to me? or maybe just the humble energy he gave off in interviews. You could truly see inside his soul through his eyes. I know it sounds strange never meeting him or ever knowing him personally and I am sure many out there have come across this same feeling. Its even weird to mourn someone you have never met and even to speak about it to fellow friends or collegues, they just look at you like, why are you mourning a celebrity? Well...I just am. Its been a long week and although my life goes on and his family continues to feel that pain...I still feel that sting. The media definitely plays a huge role in all the graphic details they feel they need to put out there...but none the less it does hurt. Hurts in such a unconventional way.

    I am so happy to have read brings us closer to him and closer to the ones that loved him. I will be sure to come back here again..your words are very real, and Paul was very lucky to have protectors and family such as yourself. I smile when I think of the George Lopez were both there...the funny stories and memories you can cherish forever...will happily haunt you.

    Be well and yes Carpe Diem!

    My sincerest condolences,


    God bless.

  25. I did not know Paul but I am a car person and have watched the franchise from the beginning i was almost an extra in the first movie, but I had to work which i regret now. before i start i came across your page because i am going to do the 1000 challenge in 2014. What i liked about the movies is they were pretty much clean so i would be able to enjoy it. Also they were into being a family so me and my husband had been fans since the first one. One thing to add i don't go to the movies unless its really good so i usually go about twice a year. and every everytime one of the fast movies came out thats when we would go. So thats how i knew Paul also i am not into hollywood and actors i actually only liked to actors Paul and Ryan Philippi So the day he died i logged onto twitter and seen the tweets. i thought i hope this is not real. But it was. i felt bad i felt shocked. it hit me hard i was surprised but that week i was fasting and praying because i have exams so i know my spirit was sensitive. i then seen all of tyreses posts and i started praying for him and for all of Paul and Rogers family. My heart went out to both family i know Roger had a young son. then i came across an article by the christian post that stated Paul knew God (I'm not trying to bring in religion these are the facts that happen) i was relieved i thought he went to heaven then i found out all he had done with ROWW and i thought yes he had to know God he had the heart of someone who really knew God. Then i went to social media and found good posts but some really bad ones so i started commenting telling them they should remove and i just left comments that Paul impacted the world and we should do the same. I wanted people to know that he went to heaven and that he lived his life for God and that they should see it in his life and want to do the same, while getting away from this selfishness and start helping people who are in desperate need of help. Then the memorial was planned i knew i had to go but i did get people saying i didn't know him why go and then no one wanted to go with me. i prayed and told God if its your will make a way. I got into some deep pray( remember this is just what happened to me I'm not trying to preach) and i was listening to a song by christ for the nations called all consuming fire and i felt the presence of God so strong and i fell to my knees an i could hear strongly " he was already with me, when his body was burned." i thought no thats just me but it was stronger and i new it was God. i feel a piece and i felt God was moving with the fans many were speaking about Paul and God there was no debates about Gods existence it was like we all knew there was a God who was almightily and that life was precious. that night my cousin sent me a text and said she would go so i was glad i ended up taking two more cousins. we prayed before we left and when we got there you could just feel the love. i am glad we went then the news guys wanted to interview me and i told him i believed God had a calling on Paul's life and that Paul took the calling and helped people so greatly and i told him we need to do the same we need to continue. people around were just looking but i had to get it out there Paul would have wanted us to continue with ROWW because people still need help the need is still there. so after the memorial i felt like i said goodbye and with this new year coming i wanted a challenge so when i seen Paul's interview on the George Lopez show and he talked about it, i was like i want to do this i want to live each day with more with purpose. thank you again for your post i like how it is real. one more thing the interview never made it to the news maybe because i mention God i don't know but at least the people there heard it. i have so much video and pictures from the memorial along with the interview and after exams ill put them together and post. thanks again for sharing. i am on IG @advocateeva and will post a tribute soon.

  26. Hi -

    First time reader of your blog... Thank you so much for sharing your story. I truly appreciate it. I knew of Paul Walker through my friend, who had been a fan of his for years. It has been a bittersweet 2 weeks getting to "know" more about the man posthumously. I wish I had been more aware of him in life, but my friend says better late than never so I'll take that. :-)

    THEN to read your linked post about your friend's suicide and father's death, now I know I'm going to be an avid reader of your blog. I lost my brother to suicide in 2007 and became a suicide prevention advocate in my own small way. Funny - I wore a necklace that said "carpe diem" for a year after my brother's death, and that message stuck. I'm glad to see you got the message too in your own life experience and are putting it out there in a big way.

    Thanks again for sharing and I look forward to catching up on your previous entries and reading future ones as well.

    - Kristina

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  28. I just read this tonight Jesse and WOW how precious this is. I will keep it and read it again, you made me cry, laugh, and think. You are such a great inspiration and just since few days I know who you are by Paul Walker's interview and you already helped me a lot with all your thoughts that you share with us. The part you talked about pain who is a part of life and make us discover how strong we could be, I experimented it and its so true. I am so grateful to Paul Walker because by him, I met you here online. I was in dark days of my life when I learned about Paul Walker's death, it was a big shock, why? Why him who had so much to give to people, to help the world to be better and me, who had no more goal in life, no more projects still changed all the way I saw my future, I feel a second birth, I am ready to realize all my dreams, i am not proud of who I was then and I want to do my best each day to enjoy this fabulous life, by honor for people I loved and are gone. Thanks for this blog Jesse and for all the next ones in the future.

  29. You are exactly right when it comes to feeling angry about all these people that didn't even know him but still sorting and talking like they
    Did cause that's what I was thinking when all this happened I never met this beautiful man so why am I crushed and torn and sobbing over someone I didn't even know I couldn't explain it but no matter what I did I couldn't stop myself from crying and trying to figure out why him but I couldn't and wouldn't comment or say anything about it cause I felt stupid for feeling that way and thought it wasn't respectful for the people that actually did know mr walker then I found I wasn't the only one feeling this way thanks to Jenna Kelly she had this group and you could talk about how you felt and no one would judge you it is a beautiful site and an awesome group of people from around the world and that's when I wasn't ashamed anymore to talk about how I felt when I read your words about your friendship and what an amazing person Paul was and how you have been getting through these days it really made me think how strong a person can really be and with out all this none of us would even be talking to one another I believe everyone meets for a reason and hopefully this is a start to a brighter future thank you Jesse for all your powerful words and wisdom my condolences to you and I hope you find a little bit of peace in each day much love<3

  30. Hi Jesse. How are you? At first I felt sorry about Paul. After I read your blog I felt that life really fragile. Yes, we will never know what will happen to us, our family and our friends. Actually I don't really a fans of Paul Walker. But if course I like Fast & Furious movies. All of them I do follow. From the movie I know who is Paul Walker. Years after years, I started to like his acting. That day, suddently I heard news that Paul Walker died at car crash. I felt shocked. That time I don't know why I feel uncomfortable and sad too. I started to check news from internet hope that it was not real. But at last, is confirmed. Paul left us. That night I don't know why, Paul's dead inspired me a lot of things. Life is short. Don't know when is my turn. Must appreciate and love my surrounding friends and family. Besides that, from the news, I just know Paul form a charity ROWW in 2010. That time I started to like him. Not much people will have that kind of heart to help people. From the ROWW website, I saw this charity really helps a lot of people. Paul will go all out to this charity. I really salute him. Really feel sad to his daughter, Meadow and family lost a generous, kind hearted and nice person. Paul, from now on I will fully support your charity ROWW. If I have the chance, will like to involve as volunteer too. Thanks Jesse u wrote this touching blog. We must always happy like Paul. I think Paul don't want to see us unhappy. :)

  31. Jesse,

    Reading your text I not only falls in tears, as I began to think that I'm closed and as I do not put my feelings out. Inclusive never say I love anyone (this is not true), I love my family, love my friends, but I can not say to each of them what I feel.
    I think I'll need your help.

    Loved your post, I want to say that I admire you very much and wish I could help you at this time, give a hug of affection, but the distance does not allow at this time. I wish to place well, and count me for what you need.


  32. Thank you so much for sharing. When I heard about Paul's death, I was devastated. I'm crying as I type this. I only knew him through his movies but early on I sensed there was something more to him than a pretty face. His life/death has opened up emotions inside of me that I welcome with open arms.

    I'm slightly older than he, but the past few years, I've been going through a self-evaluation and life transformation, but I feel it's taking longer than it needs to be. However, my journey is whatever I make it. I want to serve, I want to give, I want to do more than I do now but find obstacles in fulfilling them. I tend to question what I'm doing in the present moment yet I find myself peaceful and happy. I am thoroughly enjoying what I'm doing but those close to me question what I do because they don't see the purpose (for them).

    I want to live my life on purpose, and that is my goal! I tell those who matter most 'I love them every time I talk to them', and not sweating the small stuff, living within my means, and being open and transparent. If you read my blog and/or facebook, that's who I am. Being someone I'm not is too time consuming and a waste. I'm rough around the edges but I LOVE my freedom of expression not considering what other people think of me.

    I love Paul, what he stood for, how he lived his life, and believe in his legacy. As a mother, I want my son to be just as humble, compassionate, generous, etc... as he, and I will pray that my son finds a true friend like you.

    You're awesome, I appreciate you, and for sharing. I will follow. Blessings and peace for the coming New Year!


  33. I continue to appreciate and am awed by the heartfelt sentiments you all are sharing on here. Thank You :)

  34. Hello Jesse, thank you for sharing such personal thoughts and feelings. We will always treasure our DVDs of Paul; Eight Below, Into the Blue and the first FnF. We are huge racing fans and do know a bit of Paul's history with racing. But what we did not know was what a great person he was. Because he seldom makes the round of news, we don't hear too much about him except during debut time of his movies. This past two weeks the media has gone nuts with news about him. As usual sensationalism won and it's too bad that it took this tragedy for the news of Paul's goodness to come through. The reason I am writing this is to encourage you and a group of his friends and perhaps family to write a book about him. Include some of his photography that he loves and of course photos other than the ones in the media. Real people like me are very tired of reading and hearing about those "famous" people in Hollywood, the Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Kardashians. We want to read and hear about people like Paul, the Paul who did not hesitate to purchase a wedding ring for the couple, the Paul who jumped on a plane to Haiti, Chile, Oklahoma, etc. The book proceeds can all go to ROWW. I believe most of his fans would love to have a souvenir of Paul for keepsakes.

    Take care and keep up the good work. Paul was truly blessed to have such a good group of friends.

  35. Jesse,
    The idea of ​​a book would be cool! Not only to let his memory live forever, but for you to relive a little of what happened to him. I've lost a person who loved her very much and I know the pain we feel. But I always think we have to remember the good times fondly, without sorrow, because unfortunately this life is just a passage.

  36. Hi Jess,
    First I want to say how much I love you. I am hurting for you friend. I miss you. I was with you for Gabe, and for your Dad. I remember how tough it was and all I wanted to do was hug you. I remember we were training when you and Paul were training and I would jokingly ask "Now what time are you and Paul training"? I needed to say that because I know that there were folks who weren't joking. I appreciated how you protected him and I felt you did the same for me. Not because I am famous, but because you loved and respected me. I can sit here and say how proud I am of the man you have become. I remember that "shy guy" when you were my intern. I want to thank you for being there for me during some of my darkest times too. And how we worked it out together. Training with you was my therapy and I will be forever grateful to you. I miss you friend. But I know we will see each other again soon. Love you Jess!

  37. Jesse,
    First I want to say i am hurting for you and everyone who was close to Paul. I did not know him personally, but how can you not relate to someone who was so real and so open in his interviews, he didn't feel a need to hide behind some fake hollywood bullshit. He was a real person, and for that I respected him a lot, not just as an actor, but as a person.
    Second, I started reading this and feeling sad, but then I got to your bathroom humor story. I couldn't help but to laugh. That story reminded me so much about my kitchen table. Feel free to tell me any bathroom humor story in as much graphic detail as you wish! My family table, I swear I feel like it's the only table in America, that we discuss shit (literally) at. Every kind of bowl movement you can think of is discussed at my table in graphic detail. And we find humor in it and laugh at it. LOL I mean it's twisted. But I completely understand. I for one, also appreciate the humor and allow people to tell me their graphic details with the porcelain god any time they feel they need to.

  38. Jesse, As I get to leave the hospital tonight. from a bad asthma attack . I am moved. and motivated to continue to love , reach for every dream that I have and never stop until I reach the finish line Your words are so motivating and powerful please keep the good worfs coming I need them. I just finished watching hours and I cried half of the movie before later having my asthma attack and beung in the hospital, I am so greatful and thankful. I loved that Paul was such a huminatarian and I will always support roww. As I was being admited and gasping for air I rememberd his smile during the end of hours as he held the baby and as my oxygen went on and I could finally breathe everything was peaceful quite and still. Thank God for angels. please continue to motivate others each day in some way your words mean so much to many. Thanks for brightening my night.

  39. Thank you Jesse. Thank you!! You are appreciated.

  40. Dear Jesse ,

    I just came across your deepest , heartfelt sympathy for your loss , thank you for your open, soulful blog about Paul Walker's death. This goes very much to heart. Here in Germany it 's rare that someone goes to the public so personal and profound. I was also so sad for days and even had to cry more often. I can not really explain it but his death has deeply affected me.....but how sad you must be, or his family, especially his girlfriend. The proximity between man and woman is the deepest intimacy and leaves through the loss of a partner just as a deep wound. I pray for her, and you all, God is the best father, friend and comforter one can have in such a situation! Even if we do not understand much, he knows everything and does not make mistakes, he knows the future and has for all of us the best plan in this life, that I believe because he says this himself in his Word :-)

    It is obvious that Paul was an incredibly positive and warm person! I would have loved to know him in this life and appreciated as a friend, because he certainly was one of the few people whose friendship is worth gold! He had this bright charisma and an incredibly friendly, gently him and his nature could see God's kindness and love.
    We humans long for peace, beauty and perfection, for adventure and everlasting joy, because we are created to do just that. God says, that after our death, a resurrection takes place and we can have this wonderful new, eternal life with Him in heaven, and that he is dry all our tears and we will never see more death, pain, separation and suffering.
    But in this present life he has a wonderful plan for each of us because he loves us so much that it changes everything for the best! Always! We should never forget, there is evil in our world, and the evil hates life and love, friendship and relationship, it is our enemy! Beloved, God is all good, he is a loving and caring father , please never ceases to trust in him ! Pray to him and showered him from your heart, ask him anything, he replies happily, I know him :-)
    Why do some things happen? Perhaps because so much greater can happen then... This life is so short compared to eternity and it is so important that we choose the good side...and again: trust God, trust that he is good and loves us. And that he understands us, knows us, our deepest feelings and thoughts!
    Paul told you once when you look at the nature and all life, how can you not believe that there is a God....I think we honor Paul most honest and profound, when we honor this God in whom he believed...because this God promises us that we will see again all, in peace and happiness. What a wonderful expectation!

    Jesse, I embrace you warmly and wish you much strength through this time of mourning, God bless your heart...
    Many many loving greetings,

  41. Jesse,
    I was watching George Lopez interview Paul.Paul introduced you and the 1000 challenge. I was intrigued. I looked you up and found you were a life coach. I have been struggling with my inner being for some time. When Paul passed away I felt such heaviness and hurt to my soul! I started ffollowing Paul a year ago. I was not a fanatic but I sensed such goodness Iin him that I followed his page. I thought it was weird of me. After his death, I saw his kindness behind the scenes. It tears at my soul. I feel such guilt. Here I am struggling with the ugliness that consumed my heart the past 9 years. I let the ccircumstances in my life turn me into a bitter ,angry,depressed person. I dealt with the loss of my dad and my 8yr old niece to cancer in the same year. Through all of that, I was involved (pregnant) with someone living a double life that almost landed me 25 yrs in prison. I quit pursuing my nursing degree and went to work in microbiology in a research co. It does nothing for my soul. I feel dead. But here was Paul. A kind, caring, passionate soul who cared about people so much. He actually got out there and did something about it. He was so loved by his family and friends. His baby girl still needed him. I keep trying to make some sense out of his death. All I know is that it has made me face these demons inside of me. I don't want his death to be in vain. He touched my heart so deeply. I still cry everyday for his loved ones. Through Paul I found you Jesse. I want to find that kind, caring, full of compassion with the desire to help the helpless person that I once was. At one time I felt my purpose was to be a doctor and go to third world countries. I am 39 years old now and never even finished my first year of college. But I know I can start somewhere. I'm so thankful for you. You are such an inspiration. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your beautiful friend. You have such strength to build so many people up even in your own grief! Thank You Jesse! May God continue to bless you.

  42. Hi Jesse,
    After reading this blogpost a couple of times I finally wanted to react to it.
    First off I found you through Paul and his interview back in 2011 with George Lopez where you also appeared.
    I usually don’t cry easily or often and I am a bit of a tough girl; I accept things pretty fast, deal with the challenges as good as I can and go on with my life. But in this case… not so much.
    The last few weeks I cried almost more than I did my whole life and I keep thinking about Paul and the whole situation.

    Let’s just say I’m pretty weirded out of myself at the moment.
    I’m really puzzled about it and the fact why I’m so upset about someone I didn’t even know in real life. On the internet I see that his passing is affecting lots of people and they are having similar reactions to it. It’s nice to see that he was loved by so many people.

    I started noticing Paul back in 1999 when he appeared in She’s All That. From that point on I saw almost every movie he was in. I’m such a nerd so I actually watch all the extra’s on dvd’s and everything else I can find on the internet, including press junkets and tv interviews regarding the movies or actors/actresses I like most. I just love seeing how a movie got made and who the person behind a character really is. With Paul it was a bit difficult because he was very privat although he was pretty open when he did make an appearance somewhere or in the interviews he gave. I really liked what I got from that: he didn’t like the industry much but just loved making movies, was a real guys guy, very active and always busy, loyal to his friends and family, loved being a father, loved life and got all awkward and uncomfortable when people were paying to much attention to him and especially to his good looks haha; I really found that interesting about him.

    And ofcourse his big heart which definately showed through ROWW for which he gave all credit for happening because of his friends, including you Jesse.
    Ahhh I could go on and on why I liked Paul so much and that I’m gonna miss his gorgeous smile forever.
    It just feels like I lost an old friend who I only saw once and a while. If I’m feeling like this I can’t even imagine how his family, daughter, you and his other friends must feel; it’s just horrible.
    I like to believe things happen for a reason but in this case I’m not so sure. I’m still a bit in denial that he is really gone and the world lost such a sweet spirit way to soon.

    Anyway… you asked how your blogpost made me feel: I really want to thank you for sharing this and your honesty and openness about it. It really helps me dealing with the whole thing. I’m gonna carry on being the best person I can be and invest in myself, my loved ones and my goals. Life is too short to waste on little things that don’t really matter and I’m gonna keep that in mind more.

    Jesse: I want to send you all my love and a virtual kiss and hug. It must be so difficult dealing with another loss of someone so close to you.
    I’m gonna keep checking out your blog for sure; you are such a nice inspiration! I also started following you on Instagram and just love your beautiful sunrise pictures :)
    Take care!
    XO Desiré (The Netherlands)

  43. Hi Jesse,

    It would be too long of a story to write how I came across your blog, but after reading all these comments, a common theme seems to be how confused soo many people feel about their intense feelings of grief caused by the loss of a person they barely knew (and perhaps did not even know about until his death). This really seems like a call out for help, and I am wondering if you might address this issue in another blog post....your insights into these intense feelings, their cause, how to move through, etc. I admit, I am also like many of the posters above. I did not know who Paul Walker was until after his death and had vague recollections of seeing him in a few smaller movies. I couldn't understand why I was devouring every bit if media to learn more. I, too, feel ridiculous for caring at times. For me, I think part of the issue is a realization that there was a person who had so much to live for, and did so much in his short life, and he dies, whilst I am still here, not fulfilling any dreams, and feeling guilty for being here instead of him, which is really dreadful considering I have 2 children under the age of 2. One mechanism to try and cope is to try and find negative facts to read to better "get over it", but then I realize my motivations for doing such. I think many of us are searching for an understanding of why this has affected us so much. And then, of course, is some anger about how Paul died. Why did he have to get in that car. He was a self-professed "adrenaline junkie", so should we be thankful it took 40 years for something to happen? I know I would appreciate your insight into these feelings. As others have said, what we may be feeling is minimal in comparison to what you must be going through, but we value your thoughts if you care to share them.

  44. Jesse,
    I just wanted to say that you and all of Paul's family and friends are in my prayers. I never knew him, but his death has really saddened me to the core. It's hard to believe that someone who always seemed so happy and full of life could be gone. It's so unfair. I really admire how he never let all of the Hollywood stuff get to him, and from everything I've read, people say that he was really approachable and friendly. I would have loved to talk cars and outdoors with him, both of which are hobbies of mine. I recently came across an interview he gave a few years ago for Davidoff. One of the things he mentioned was how much he loved visiting the Pacific Northwest, and how he found it so beautiful. I live in the Seattle area, and yes, this place is magical and has so much beauty to offer. Watching that interview gave me comfort, and I'm glad he was able to experience this place. And thank you for your inspiring words. I've read several of your blog posts, and they are very movin.


  45. Beautifully said Jessie. Reminds me to never leave anything unsaid. I tell my family everyday I love them and how proud I am. Now I need to do the same with my close friends. I love that you and Paul did that. It's wonderful to have friends like that. Thank you so much for inspiring me and lifting me up. Much Love Jeannie

  46. Dear Jesse, it has been over one and a half years after that tragic event ... I'm very sorry for your loss in such a short time until 3 loved ones, Gabi, Dad and Paul. I'm very sorry because of the enormous pain of what you had to be faced. The more I appreciate the way you were able to transform this sadness into something positive in your life, like appreciating every moment, like seeing the beauty around us, positive attitude, curiosity ... and that you share it all with others around the world. In 1996, my 25-year-old friend was killed in a car accident. He was a great driver, he liked going fast, but I felt him behind the wheel very safe. It was in this passion for speed on the road similar to Paul, otherwise even the appearance of a little look alike. Gregory was 1.87 cm tall, slender blue-eyed blond, he was always smiling, not hiding injuries to anyone, just a good young man. He died at an unguarded railway crossing at a speed of 5 km / h, the two trains were passing just in this place and when one of them ran, Gregory started the car and was hit by a second train.
    At that time I was by the lake on a boat far from home and I had no contact with my family for 2 weeks. At that time in Poland there was no cells. One night I had a strange but very pleasant dream. I dreamed Gregory, he told me that he left his girlfriend. Then we talked, and there were my parents, my sister, generally it was in my house. Gregory was very cheerful, he gave me a red rose and kissed me on the cheek ... When the morning I woke up, I remembered the dream. One thing struck me as strange, that he departed from Eve, when in fact they planned a future together and just had to live together in a new house. Of course, I quickly forgot about the dream. When I got home 2 weeks later I found out that Gregory died in a car accident and he was buried a couple days ago... I started to cry, I couldn't believe .. and suddenly I realized there wasn't a dream that night on a boat... He just came to me and my family to say goodbye... It was all so hard to me, because I missed him, but I realized that HE IS ALIVE IN REAL, but in other place or another form (without a material body), but it is HIM, not some energy or something else. In that "dream" he was so really really happy:) And about the rose he gave me that night on a boat... few years earlier before the accident I was falling in love with him, but I didn't tell him a word about that;) but maybe when he passed away from this world, he just get to know ...
    So, I believe in God and I belive that He prepared for us such beatiful things and Life we just not be able to imagine how wonderful.
    Be happy Jesse:)