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Sunday, August 17, 2014

Physical Pain an Almost Full Disclosure part 1

As many of you know I have been busily writing my second book.  A couple weeks ago I asked if there would be an interest in me sharing some of what I had written.  Today's blog is just that, a small excerpt of some of what I have been working on for the book.

This is my first share and so I would appreciate your feedback from two perspectives: One as a stand alone blog post and two as a perspective reader of a larger book... is this something that interests you, what more would you like to know, what can make it better, is it something you would want to read more of?

Thank you in advance. :)

I say "almost" full disclosure because I want to do my best to be fully honest, but at the same time I will spare you all from reading some of the less pleasant details.  I will include more of those details in the book as my intention with the book is to be as transparent as possible in hopes that it will inspire others.

Some of the stuff I am about to share is pretty personal.  I am not going to lie, I am a little embarrassed talking about these parts of my life, but I am going there in the hopes that my sharing can maybe help inspire at least one other person out there who is struggling with pain.

What I also help you all will take away is this:  That while I have kept this part of my life hidden, you all have still been able to watch me over the years.  Watch me grow, watch me share my message, and watch my choose my attitude and how I wanted to experience life.  I could not control some of the physical stuff, but I have always had a choice in my attitude.

We all experience pain in various forms throughout life.  Mental, emotional, and physical pain will affect us all in some way and at some point in life.  Different types of pain have different affects on each individual.  When it comes to pain, there is not a universal right or wrong for how to experience it.

The last three years I have been in a lot of physical pain.  As painful as the physical part has been, the real daily challenge for me has been the mental and emotional obstacles that my physical pain has imposed.

I have had back and neck problems since I was a little kid.  In fact one of my earliest memories is of being in a chiropractors office, getting my necked cracked, when I was about five years old.  Over the course of my life my back would "go out" at random.  If you have never had your back go out on you it feels, at least for me, something like this: like you got punched in the lung and the fist that punched you is still there squeezing your lung making it hard to breathe.  While you are struggling to breathe, your entire back seizes up making it virtually impossible to do the simplest of movements like standing, sitting, or even reaching out to open a door.

When I got into college and started exercising the frequency of my back going out dramatically decreased.  I had begun giving my spine the structural support it needed to stay in place.  Without fail, it would still go out once every six to eight months, but the recovery time was now quicker.  Usually I would be able to be back to normal function three or four days later.

So in early April of 2011, as I was sitting in a hotel room in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, working on my taxes, it really did not come as much of a shock when I turned to my side and felt my back snap. It was painful, but no more painful than it had been in the past, and I figured it would be back to normal within a week.  A week came and went, but the pain remained.

Not only was the pain still there, but my range of motion had started to diminish, especially on my right side.  I was having a hard time bending or rotating to my right.  When I would try to, I would instantly get this shooting pain through my body.  If I tried to push through the pain I would get a feeling like my spine was about to snap... it would take my breath away.

I was cautious with day to day activities and did my best to take care of it as I always had in the past. Since this happened right in the middle of the 1 Year 1000 Challenge, I was constantly on the go and did not give it the attention I could have or probably should have.  Plus shortly after this had all started I had to have surgery to repair an inguinal hernia that was bulging and beginning to cause me a lot of pain and discomfort.

I never got a really good vibe from my surgeon. This was confirmed the morning of the surgery when he showed up 15 minutes late, rushed into the room looking a little disheveled and asked me, "what are you here for?"  I remember thinking to myself: It is reassuring to know my health is the hands of someone who obviously cares so much about it.

It took several days for the initial swelling to go down.  By the end of the third or fourth day most of the surgery pain (pain that comes from getting operated on), had subsided.  I seemed to be healing with the exception of lingering pain in my testicles.

As the days turned into weeks the pain below the belt not only remained, but got worse.  When I asked the surgeon about it during my post op check up he said (if I recall correctly) it could take upwards of 12 weeks for pain to full subside.

12 weeks went by and the pain was not only still there, it was really impacting my life.  I tried to run, the impact hurt to much... felt like I was getting punched in the balls over and over again.  Even things like hiking had become difficult because the downhill vibrational impact really hurt.  I can vividly remember driving back from San Diego in early September when suddenly I got an intense pain, again feeling like someone was beneath my seat punching me over and over again in a very sensitive area.

Naturally this affected certain other areas of my life... without mincing words, my sex drive all but disappeared and the act of having sex became way way more painful than pleasurable.  I felt horribly inadequate and unattractive.

In the fall of 2011 I went to one of the top penis doctors in the world.  He had me get an ultra sound ( is that what it is called where they take the instrument and look inside you like they do for pregnant women?).  Results said I had a lump in one side and it may or may not be the cause of the pain I was experiencing.  He also revised my post op window for side affects and said to give it until 16 weeks.

16 weeks went by... the pain was still there, not as bad, but still there.  What also happened during this time was my back got worse and worse.  With some of my physical activity being reduced (no running, hiking, jumping, etc...) I was sitting a lot more.  Sitting meant more compression on my already painful back.  I did not pay as much attention to it because I was so preoccupied with what was going on downstairs.

Part two will be posted next Sunday...

Carpe Diem,

Jesse

2 comments:

  1. Jesse your strength and raw honesty are nothing short of amazing. Your willingness to speak of something so personal to the world just proves what an amazing soul you truly are! To write the way you do with such dignity and grace is a beautiful thing. You should not be embaressed about discussing something so personal because once again, your willingness to do so is coming straight from the heart to help others which is what you do in such a wonderful way. I know you are a very special person and have attained Superman status just for being who you are! I am so looking forward to reading your book and cannot wait for part two of the challenging blog! Take care!!

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  2. O.M.G Sounds like a Japanese endurance test ! Hope you're not suffering now :-)

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