7/12 - 7/23 Days 193 - 204

Writers block - I think I have been suffering from it.  I think I am starting to put to much pressure on myself when it comes to blogging.  I want each one to be some sort of masterpiece that makes the reader think; that leaves them moved, touched, inspired.

What happens though when I don't feel capable of creating a masterpiece, when I don't feel moved, touched and inspired myself... what happens then?  I think a lot of this:  a lot of time is spent staring at the screen, fingers moving over keys but not creating any words.  Lots of thoughts of all the things I "need" to get done, but am struggling to do.  Lots of "wasting time" scouring over the internet looking for anything that will distract me from doing the things I think I should be doing.  I have looked through albums on facebook, read movie reviews of movies I have no desire of seeing, and watched a couple of cartoons on youtube.  It has taken me 20 minutes to write these two paragraphs. Typing this right now I feel like I am running a marathon up hill with a heavy back pack on my back.  Typically blogs flow with ease out of me, this one feels more like what I imagine being in labor would feel like - long and painful.

So what is going on with me... why do I feel the way I do right now?  Is it an accumulation of a bunch of little things, or is it a couple of big things?  I  honestly do  not know. 

2 hours later...  just had a great talk with one of my housemates, we sat outside, we meditated, we laughed, we cried it was much needed and definitely insightful for me.  So what's on my mind...

Fear: Am I on the right path?  Do I believe what I believe I believe?  What happens if I am wrong?  What do people think of me, what do I think of myself?  Am I 100 percent honest with myself all the time?

Self:  What do I see when I look at myself in the mirror?  As a kid I hated everything I saw.  When I looked in the  mirror I saw a loser, an ugly person.  As an adult I have worked hard to change that outlook to see something more than that.  It's taken years of work, a lot of affirmations, and a lot of changes in my outlook on life to be able to look in the mirror and see someone different.  The last couple months I have not liked the reflection looking back at me.  I've allowed my feeling sorry for myself, my inability to exercise, my perception of getting fat, my internal view of myself to alter that which I see in the mirror.  If I step away from myself I can laugh at how silly it is I am behaving in this way, but when I slip and fall into a funk that is easier said than done. 

Love: ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What is love?  I guess the better question is how do we define it.  I know what I want in a partner, the bigger question is what do I want in myself.  I have standards/expectations/wants for myself that I feel I have not yet ascertained.  Is it a case of me being to hard on myself or am I being honest with myself?  I can point the finger at events in life that have been catalysts for me thinking, feeling, acting in a certain way, but those are just events, things that happened in the past.  I am the one that has control, that has power in the present, so what am I missing?  Am I purposely overlooking stuff?  I like to believe I am on the quest for 100 percent self love  I think this articulate's it the best ... I want to be in a place where every morning I jump out of bed and just want to hug myself.  Not every other day, or a couple times a month, but every single day I want to be in a place where I love myself so much I wake up with a smile on my face I race to the mirror because I love the person looking back at me.  I want to be that person every day and when I have that, I want to share it with someone else.  I don't believe the person I am meant to be with deserves anything less than that - she is much to special to have less than my best.

Money:  It is amazing how much stress green little pieces of paper can cause.  I used to ALWAYS stress about money, always.  Growing up my parents constantly stressed about that which we did not have and I held onto that life lesson.  I spent most of my early 20's obsessed with making money and no matter how much I made, how much I saved, it was never enough. I constantly focused on what I did not have and allowed that to dictate the way I lived  my life - I never traveled because I was afraid to take time off of work and not make money.  I didn't buy clothes because I felt guilty spending money on things I could not afford (even though I really could afford them).  I have worked hard to begin to let go of those thoughts, and to switch my mind from focusing on that which I don't have to that which I do and that which I will have.  It is an extremely freeing way to live - I love it!

However, with medical bills starting to come in, I am not going to lie the thoughts have been creeping, actually rushing back in!  "Wow that's a big number, how am I going to pay for that?!?!"  "Did I do the right thing getting that procedure done?" 

In some ways it is a good reality check for me, it reminds me to slow down, take a deep breath and re-center my thoughts.  Focus on what I want, believe in it, believe in myself - I know I will get there. 

Im in my head a lot.  I put myself under the microscope daily because I want to learn and want to be a better person.  I am guilty of taking this to to much of an extreme at times.  Instead of just letting things, myself be, I have to try to understand, have to try and come up with an answer.  There are times where I get so sad, I don't know why, but I do; I get so sad I feel like I just need to break down and cry.  Instead of allowing myself to cry I start to think - why do I feel this way, where is it coming from?  Perhaps there is no answer, perhaps that feeling of sadness is just me being human, me needing to experience one of the 1000's of emotions that make up human beings.  My goal for the next week: focus on just being get out of my head and stop thinking so much.

I am grateful for the life experiences I have had now as they serve as reminders that while I may feel this way right now, it is just a way of feeling, it will pass and things will be much better.  I remind myself of that daily when I find myself in a funk.  I know that while the road we travel in life may be bumpy at times, it will eventually smooth out.  If it was smooth all the time we would never appreciate it like we can after we have gone over a few bumps.

These "raw blogs" as I like to call them, raw because I am writing almost purely off of raw emotion, are the hardest for me to share.  I write from an emotional place and don't really know what is coming out or if any of it makes sense.  Maybe it doesn't have to, maybe this is just where I am at today - focus on just being Jesse you do not have to have all the answers right now - just be. 

It is now a little after 1230pm.  I have been working on this blog off and on for over five hours and I think it is time to bring it to a close.  God knows what I have just rambled about for the last few hours.  Before I go, I do want to leave you all with a couple of important little facts, facts that I try to remind myself of when I get down:

Little Fact about friends - the good ones are hard to come by, cherish them.
Little Fact about family - blood is a strong bond love them in whatever way you can.
Little Fact about belief - believe in yourself (I write this one selflessly for me! ) :)
Little Fact about love - if it is worth working for work for it.
Little Fact about our thoughts - they create our reality.  If you want a better reality (Jesse make sure you are paying attention to what you are typing), think better thoughts.  Don't just think them, believe in them.
And the most important Little Fact of them all...
Little Fact about life - is it is meant to be lived.  Live life from your heart.  Think with your mind let it aide you in your life quest, form a partnership between it and your heart; but when it comes to really living, let your heart do the talking.

Thanks for staying with me on this one.

Enjoy the pics,

Carpe Diem,

Jesse